Iain: Jackie, Jackie, come here! Where's the boy Baker with the morning rolls?
Jackie: Just coming, your eminence.
Iain: Right, Jackie, let's start as we mean to go on - come in and get on your knees.
Jackie: Oh yes!! hang on while I get the tissues. Would it be easier if I took them off?
Iain (hastily): No, no, no, that won't be necessary! I'll put my feet on the desk to make it easier for you.
Jackie: Do you want me to clean your shoes like this every morning?
Iain: Never mind that just now. Where is Lord Watson?
Jackie: He's out the back burning the postal votes - there must be millions of them - luckily he's got his own lighter.
Iain: What about Lord George?
Jackie: He's in the conference room teaching the new intake how to claim expenses and play the stringed violin.
Iain: How did he get on with his audition for Thomas the Tank Engine?
Jackie: He failed that but he tells me that he's got a very small part in Deep Throat.
Iain: Tell him he's to help Lord Maddo with the press releases but I want Lord Maddo to carry on as the senior Labour spokesperson!
Jackie: Is Maddo to remain in the basement then?
Iain: Yes, the windows have been boarded up. Incidentally have you heard anything from the new Labour Leader, Dennis Skinner? Every time I ring up to introduce myself, someone with a northern accent says "Feck off, you cretin". Has Prescott got a new job as his secretary?
Jackie: No, but it's obviously someone who knows you well. Do you want me to go down and lean on him?
Iain: No, that would be too drastic at this stage. I'll have to make up a dossier before we go that far.
Jackie: Is there anything else you want before I go?
Iain: Yes, as a matter of fact there is......
Jackie: Fecking marvellous.....
To be continued: