Friday, 10 September 2010

First Minister's Office - some time in the future!

Iain: Jackie, Jackie, come here! Where's the boy Baker with the morning rolls?

Jackie: Just coming, your eminence.

Iain: Right, Jackie, let's start as we mean to go on - come in and get on your knees.

Jackie: Oh yes!! hang on while I get the tissues. Would it be easier if I took them off?

Iain (hastily): No, no, no, that won't be necessary! I'll put my feet on the desk to make it easier for you.

Jackie: Do you want me to clean your shoes like this every morning?

Iain: Never mind that just now. Where is Lord Watson?

Jackie: He's out the back burning the postal votes - there must be millions of them - luckily he's got his own lighter.

Iain: What about Lord George?

Jackie: He's in the conference room teaching the new intake how to claim expenses and play the stringed violin.

Iain: How did he get on with his audition for Thomas the Tank Engine?

Jackie: He failed that but he tells me that he's got a very small part in Deep Throat.

Iain: Tell him he's to help Lord Maddo with the press releases but I want Lord Maddo to carry on as the senior Labour spokesperson!

Jackie: Is Maddo to remain in the basement then?

Iain: Yes, the windows have been boarded up. Incidentally have you heard anything from the new Labour Leader, Dennis Skinner? Every time I ring up to introduce myself, someone with a northern accent says "Feck off, you cretin". Has Prescott got a new job as his secretary?

Jackie: No, but it's obviously someone who knows you well. Do you want me to go down and lean on him?

Iain: No, that would be too drastic at this stage. I'll have to make up a dossier before we go that far.

Jackie: Is there anything else you want before I go?

Iain: Yes, as a matter of fact there is......

Jackie: Fecking marvellous.....

To be continued:


  1. I said the other day on Subrosa blog how the Nationalists have accepted the inevitable rise of Iain Gray to be the next First Minister...

    She demurred not very convincingly

  2. Almost coquettish in her denial even.......

  3. Okay, Niko, as you're an old chum, I'll fall for it, who is Iain Gray?

    Incidentally, I hope you're keeping well nowadays.

  4. I detect a whiff of Conan in your musings, Brownlie.

    I hope he is holding up well as he is passes through his family sadness.

  5. Oh and a wee shout for Kirkie. I used to live in Lenzie for a good few years, a long time ago.

    Sometimes I miss Glasgow, but then again the sun, cheap booze (sorry for the minimum unit pricing policy ) and good food here has its attractions.

  6. You never told me you were back at this malarkie again...

    Bravo. It does sound like they have taken you into theer confidence and invited you to their first planning meeting...

    Not sure I should tell my mum about this one though.....!¬!¬!¬!¬!

    Niko. If it happens , we just wait to see how long it will be before he folds.... and Jackie takes over... You know what I mean?

  7. Excellent: I for one will miss the Haberdasher in Chief when he goes into that great goodnight with his dear friend Lord Emmerdale of Malawi. And at last makes way for that blogging expert par excellance Kezia Dugdale. She has done more than enough Lordly boot licking to earn her place at the top of the Lothian list, that and her (infrequent) whiny, towing the party line no matter what blog. This combination has with trepidation forced this shy retiring gal to rescind her retirement from blogging (again) and reluctantly be propelled into the limelight. Where I am no doubt sure she will do a first class job of filling the Haberdasher from Cumnock in the county of Shropshire’s commodious boots.

  8. Guid tae see ye back oan the shop flair Mr Brownlie, though ah'll no thank ye fer pittin that wee picture in ma heid. If Iain Gray ivver becomes FM, ah think ah micht hae tae take up wearin the burkah, cos ah'll be pure shamed tae show ma face in public.

    Naw. Scrub that last bit, that'll jist gie fowk an excuse tae vote Labour...

  9. Bugger,

    Yes, all the nonsensical bits I picked up from Conan - the good bits, if you can find any, are mine!

    Kirkie hasn't been the same since they knocked down the Rob-Roy club to "put up a parking lot". It was handy for me, a five minute walk there and a forty minute walk back on a good night! The added bonus was that they had cheap booze but, alas and alack, not much sun.

  10. tris,

    Your mum, like me, is pure in heart and will not take the interpretation that you and Sophia have obviously taken from my meanderings. The thought of Jackie going over the top is mind-boggling so pour some Dettol on your mind.

  11. Munquin,

    Thanks, I'm not sure who these people are as I've never heard of any of them! Have you, with your great knowledge and experience of the world, ever heard of someone called Iain Gray?

  12. Sophia,

    Get back to your own blog and tell us about your adventures in the park. I would tell you about mine if I ever had any but maybe Tris will reciprocate!!

  13. Lordy brownlie, I couldn't possibly write about my antiques in the park. My mum reads this. I don't want her to know about me tearing my breeks climbing that conker tree, do it...

    Be sensible will you...

    But I'd love to hear about Sophia's adventures!

    As for the dettol, I posted my last bottle off to Niko. He needs it..... watching lads playing footie through his binos... and him a married man!! I don't know what the world's coming to... and thats a fact!! huh!

  14. Brownlie of course I have heard of Iain Gray (June 19, 1902 – November 5, 1977) he was a Canadian, then American bandleader and violinist. Forming "The Royal Canadians" in 1924 with his brothers Carmen, Lebert, and Victor and other musicians from his hometown, Gray led the group to international success, billing themselves as creating "The Sweetest Music This Side of Heaven."

    Hope that straightens that out for you!

  15. Dear All

    Iain Gray when he becomes First Minister will prove that you don't need talent or policies to win Holyrood.

    Just negative campaigning and carping.

    Then in he will go with his play pieces of jam to Bute House.

    Yours sincerely

    George Laird
    The Campaign for Human Rights at Glasgow University

  16. Munquin,

    Thanks for that - I knew I'd heard the name somewhere - but sad to hear he's passed away. No wonder Gray has faded into obscurity.

  17. Thanks, George, nice to get a sensible comment instead of the usual riff-raff who come visiting!

  18. Huh.

    Post once a year and get more comments than me.

    Effing Wee Free Buddhist.

    So; what did you sacrifice?

  19. Conan,

    Mine is but a pale and insignificant shadow of your mighty Hootsmon organ - a mere tart-in knickers - as the Chook would say - to your Belle de Jour.