Friday, 24 September 2010

First Minister's Office - the end of time!

Iain: No more coffee, Jackie, you know that the caffeine in drinks drives me wild.

Jackie: Yes, I know, tiger, just one more cup - ah go on, go on, go on!

Iain: No, not just now, my back's killing me. I do wish we'd never watched that first scene in Basic Instinct. I feel as if I've been sharing a trampoline with Pavarotti. Anyway, back to business - you know I'm thinking of using Salmond as the ambassador to South Britain after his excellent performance in turning back the tide in the Maldives.

Jackie: Poor Eck, I nearly felt sorry for him when you thrashed him in the three televised Party Leader's election debates. It was a stroke of genius getting rid of Maddo, after he'd served his purpose, and appointing Conan, Sophia and Tris as your script-writers.

Iain: Yes, indeed, it was the best ninety pieces of silver I ever spent but we have to be careful to enable them to carry on under-cover in their other roles as a librarian, stair-cleaner and an unemployable layabout.

Jackie: Do we have any others under-cover?

Iain: Yeah one, not to be confused, despite rumours, with AM2, Grahamski and Lard George!

Jackie: Gotcha, the idea being to bore them into submission. Do you want the coffee now - ah go on, go on, go on?

Iain: Slow down, I'm not finished. Now that the election is over I intend to abolish Trident and it's replacement, nuclear power in Scotland, weapons of mass destruction, the Edinburgh trams, the GARL and extra police and nurses!

Jackie: I knew you'd come up with new and progressive ideas. Are you going back to Labour roots then?

Iain: Never, I've also thought up a clever and innovative scheme to get rid of the poll tax by introducing a Local Income Tax based on the ability to pay. HMRC inform me that this will be a doddle as soon as computers are invented to replace their modern present-day abacuses and fingers and toes.

Jackie: How will this affect pensioners?

Iain: As you know, Jackie, pensioners are a dying breed who tend to vote Tory or Libdem whilst they are alive, prior to becoming postal votes for us, so they will be shifted into the 50% tax bracket in line with nulabour's policy of punishing the poor.

Jackie: Excellent ideas, Bring it on!!

Iain: Och okay then, close the curtains and fire up the coffee machine!

Jackie: Fecking marvellous!

Jackie: Aaah go on, go on, go on, go on!!


  1. Come our Election win and Iain crowned King of Scotland..

    WE are gonna suck your brains out through a straw
    inserted up your AR@E..SO WE ARE

  2. Do you think I'd settle for 88 pieces of silver brownlie?

    Ugh Niko. Did you learn that trick sooking up Iain Grays arse?

  3. Niko,

    I'm certainly not going to your specialist if that's how he treated you - still, it explains a lot!

  4. Conan,

    Ah, but would you settle for ermine and limitless expenses? I would and the plebs can sod off, no offense Niko!

  5. Brownlie

    I aint no nonce you wanna watch what your saying....

  6. Niko,for a guy from Granton[Sez Spook] you sound an awful lot like a Haggis Slayer from Fife.

  7. Niko, dear chum,

    A pleb is an ordinary citizen, in contrast with noble lords like Foulkes, as in ancient Rome - it is nothing to do with being a "nonce" - where on earth did you get that idea from?

  8. What fun were are all going to have when the toys finally get their hands on the levers of power. Cuddly Elmer Fudd as FM and that large plastic Jabba the Hutt as Health Sec (what a great role model). The only tear will be shed when that loveable space hopper shaped haberdasher in chief is not there to finally get to be Cabinet Secretary for buttons, frills and brown envelopes.

  9. Munquin,

    You're quite fond of the moon-faced loon, are you not?

    Incidentally, those you mention have nothing whatsoever to do with the individuals in my blog. Any resemblance is purely coincidental.

  10. Mr Brownlie, ah wid love tae be a speechwriter, but ah dinnae think ah could write in a drab, Mogadon-sleep-inducin monotone. Mibbe if there wis somebody else in the Holyrood Labour group fer me tae write fer, but there isnae. In fact, past wee Elmer an big Jocky, ah cannae name anither Labour MSP!

    Ah'll still take ma 88 pieces o siller tho, an ah'll take Mr Conan's piece an aw, jist fer his cheek!

  11. Oh Brownlie, you bring a tear to my eye. Moon-face is the name of a character from Enid Blyton’s Faraway Tree books. To think of the Haberdasher in Chief in such affectionate terms is to melt the coldest republican heart, right now I’m bubbling over with warm sentiments for all royals, lords, emperors etc why I’d even have the tsar back!

  12. I'm so over come. I do hope Gordon Brown can lead us all in weep today when he makes his speech as the new leader of the Labour Party (everywhere) is appointed!

  13. I expect that it will fall to me to write the speeches then Sophia; Mogadon, sleep-inducing is just my style...

    You make the tea, I'll do soporifics

    And thanks for blowing my cover Brownlie. Unemployable layabout was such good cover too... and so enjoyable with the benificence of Mr Cameron....

  14. tris,

    No worries, mate, it's just something your Mum mentioned. To be honest, the three I mentioned might give him a reasonable chance of being charismatic and entertaining. The "unemployable layabout" was just to cover up that you are a high-flyer earning more than the First and Prime Minister.

  15. Sophia,

    You and the others in my motley crew can be my script-writer when I stand for Holyrood as a wee free Buddist and then, onwards and upwards to the giddy alcohol induced heights of euphoria in the Lards. If I were you I would stick to my thirty pieces of silver - have you seen the size of that Conan - I understand subrosa has!

  16. Conan,

    I think the Haggis Hunter is English and there's strong indications that Niko is even more of an alien than that.

  17. Lordy lordy Brownlie... now you've blown my otehr cover... and your mouth....