Iain: No more coffee, Jackie, you know that the caffeine in drinks drives me wild.
Jackie: Yes, I know, tiger, just one more cup - ah go on, go on, go on!
Iain: No, not just now, my back's killing me. I do wish we'd never watched that first scene in Basic Instinct. I feel as if I've been sharing a trampoline with Pavarotti. Anyway, back to business - you know I'm thinking of using Salmond as the ambassador to South Britain after his excellent performance in turning back the tide in the Maldives.
Jackie: Poor Eck, I nearly felt sorry for him when you thrashed him in the three televised Party Leader's election debates. It was a stroke of genius getting rid of Maddo, after he'd served his purpose, and appointing Conan, Sophia and Tris as your script-writers.
Iain: Yes, indeed, it was the best ninety pieces of silver I ever spent but we have to be careful to enable them to carry on under-cover in their other roles as a librarian, stair-cleaner and an unemployable layabout.
Jackie: Do we have any others under-cover?
Iain: Yeah one, not to be confused, despite rumours, with AM2, Grahamski and Lard George!
Jackie: Gotcha, the idea being to bore them into submission. Do you want the coffee now - ah go on, go on, go on?
Iain: Slow down, I'm not finished. Now that the election is over I intend to abolish Trident and it's replacement, nuclear power in Scotland, weapons of mass destruction, the Edinburgh trams, the GARL and extra police and nurses!
Jackie: I knew you'd come up with new and progressive ideas. Are you going back to Labour roots then?
Iain: Never, I've also thought up a clever and innovative scheme to get rid of the poll tax by introducing a Local Income Tax based on the ability to pay. HMRC inform me that this will be a doddle as soon as computers are invented to replace their modern present-day abacuses and fingers and toes.
Jackie: How will this affect pensioners?
Iain: As you know, Jackie, pensioners are a dying breed who tend to vote Tory or Libdem whilst they are alive, prior to becoming postal votes for us, so they will be shifted into the 50% tax bracket in line with nulabour's policy of punishing the poor.
Jackie: Excellent ideas, Bring it on!!
Iain: Och okay then, close the curtains and fire up the coffee machine!
Jackie: Fecking marvellous!
Jackie: Aaah go on, go on, go on, go on!!