Saturday, 9 January 2010

Conservative Cold Front

Documents released under the Freedom of Information Act by Lord F...... (a senior Labour spokesperson who, due to a shy and retiring nature, did not wish to be named) show that the current cold front is due to the prospect of a Conservative Government.

From his bar-seat in the Horse-shoe Bar, a haunt for politicians, Scotsman journalists and other incoherent and illiterate inebriates, he pointed out that the last cold spell had been during Thatcher's reign leading to less coal being mined and millions of pensioners freezing to death.

Millions more, however, were saved by the warm glow generated by Blair's sincere smile. He added "One of my constituents reported to me that he went out to the green-house this morning and found his wife frozen to the marrow".

A spokesperson for the Met Office, Sir Humprey, soon to be appointed Lord Humprey of the Quangos and Bonuses, said "Random statistics, plucked entirely out of our imagination, show this to be the case. These statistics must send a cold shiver down the spines of all Labour MPs in marginal constituencies and it is our duty to warn the public of the gloomy prospect of the Tories getting their cold clammy hands on power, nuclear or otherwise".

Leading independent newspapers such as the Sun, Telegraph and Times rubbished the claims and invited Gordon Brown to hold a cold snap election. The Scotsman, noted for its neutrality, devoted twenty-nine pages to Labour's claims and reported that polar bears were seen shivering, at the prospect of a Tory victory, whilst having a crafty cigarette outside pubs and work places.


  1. How come I missed this...?

    Excellent as always brownlie....

    I'm stocking up on stuff to burn. Old copies of the Scotsman, come to that new copies of the Scotsman. But maybe I should keep a few. After all, in a few years' time they will be collectors' items.

  2. Tris,

    I think you would be better with Conan's Hootsmons - I think they'd be worth a lot more and they are more factual.

  3. When you come across an old copy of the Scotsman or even the Herald you wonder at what good papers they used to be!

  4. brownlie, I love Conan's Hootsmans as well... but come on, credit where it's due... this is good stuff.