Conservative Cold Front

Documents released under the Freedom of Information Act by Lord F...... (a senior Labour spokesperson who, due to a shy and retiring nature, did not wish to be named) show that the current cold front is due to the prospect of a Conservative Government.


From his bar-seat in the Horse-shoe Bar, a haunt for politicians, Scotsman journalists and other incoherent and illiterate inebriates, he pointed out that the last cold spell had been during Thatcher's reign leading to less coal being mined and millions of pensioners freezing to death.

Millions more, however, were saved by the warm glow generated by Blair's sincere smile. He added "One of my constituents reported to me that he went out to the green-house this morning and found his wife frozen to the marrow".

A spokesperson for the Met Office, Sir Humprey, soon to be appointed Lord Humprey of the Quangos and Bonuses, said "Random statistics, plucked entirely out of our imagination, show this to be the case. These statistics must send a cold shiver down the spines of all Labour MPs in marginal constituencies and it is our duty to warn the public of the gloomy prospect of the Tories getting their cold clammy hands on power, nuclear or otherwise".

Leading independent newspapers such as the Sun, Telegraph and Times rubbished the claims and invited Gordon Brown to hold a cold snap election. The Scotsman, noted for its neutrality, devoted twenty-nine pages to Labour's claims and reported that polar bears were seen shivering, at the prospect of a Tory victory, whilst having a crafty cigarette outside pubs and work places.