Advice from a Glasgow Guru

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just sod off and leave me alone.



The journey of a thousand miles is just bragging by the Proclaimers.



The darkest hours come just before the dawn. This is, therefore, a good time to look into your neighbour's bedroom windows.



Sex is like air. It only becomes important when you aren't getting any.



Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced you can't be promoted.



Remember, no one listens until you say something embarassing.



Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.



Never test the depth of water with both feet.



If at first you don't succeed, avoid sky-diving.



Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.



Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he'll have an excuse to go golfing.



Some days we are the flies, some days we are the windscreen.



Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.



A closed mouth gathers no feet.

There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman - neither works.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Generally speaking, you are not learning if your lips are moving.

When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry and we get smacked in the arse and it's all downhill after that.

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.