He has been nominated and supported by the elephant in the room and his cabinet, along traditional lines, will consists of a few clowns with deep pockets but with a selection of red noses as opposed to red flags.
In order to adhere to equal rights there will be room in the cabinet for two thespians, "Les" Dennis and "Boy" George. The bearded lady will be appointed to the House of Lords to replace the previous devious Lady Mandy. Any resemblance to Harriet Harman is strongly denied.
He was going to employ Jackie Baillie as Health Minister and Iain Gray as Leader of the North British Branch but did not wish to look absolutely ridiculous.
Eeyore has been lined up to take over the Ministry of Offence to ensure a continuation of the Labour practice of "Lions being led by donkeys". Ainsworth will be out on his ass. One of his first decisions will be whether, by popular demand, to rename the RAF as ARF!
Mr Smart is confident that, with a supply of brown envelopes, he will receive planning permission to develop on and enlarge previous frantic Labour attempts to turn Westminster into a three-ring circus.
Lord Foulkes, who did not wish to be named due to being of a shy and retiring nature, pledged his full support on the promise of being appointed as the "big tope" of Westminster. It is considered that this will not interfere with his current role as Minister for Horizontal Highland Flinging.