There was uproar in the House of Commons today as Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced the imminent sale of Buckingham Palace to the highest bidder but with massive incentives for any leading bankers who may be interested. He told a packed house "The truth of the matter is that we are completely skint, stony broke and up to our ears in massive debts. Well, of course, we are not but the country is. It makes prudent financial sense, therefore, to sell off anything and everything we can lay our hands on. Buckingham Palace is, of course, the Crown Jewels - more about them next week - of properties".
David Cameron, the Leader of the Opposition, sneeringly and snobbily referred to the situation as a mere continuation of Thatcher's "right to buy" policy and another Tory Policy borrowed, with maximum interest, by New Labour. Dennis Skinner, a Labour back-bencher asked if Prince Philip was included in the sale. An ashen-faced Brown confirmed that such would be the case, adding, "Yes, everything must go, especially ancient relics like the one my Honourable friend mentioned. I know it's a bitter pill to swallow but I've had my eye on the Palace for some time".
As the startling news spread to the other House the situation was regarded as so grave that several noble Lords woke up and were heard to be plaintively calling for their butlers for a restorative breakfast G and T. A senior Labour spokesman, Lord Foulkes, who did not wish to be named due to a shy and retiring nature, was quoted as saying "I may be interested as a second home in London would save the tax-payers the enormous sums of money which I currently claim".
Norfolk and Good, the aptly named leading Estate Agency, welcomed the news and said that there would be a great deal of interest in the property and contents. A spokes-person said "Ideally, it will be bought by someone like Mohammed Al Fayed, the newly elected Scottish President, to ensure that the Palace remains in foreign hands".
Another prospective buyer may be Richard Branston, famous for pickling leading politician and for balloon prickery. The initial intention would be to replace the current Guards with suitably uniformed virgins whose busbies would still be prominent. It is understood that Russell Brand and Calum Best have been engaged to scour the country for such rarities.
One of the main Palace attraction is, of course, the voluptuous Fergie, who was quoted as saying "Och aye the noo, ye ken, ah wiz fair scunnered when Ronaldo wiz selt, cos I kent I'd be next. Still, I've had a ball and a three-some reel at the Palace".
Her Majesty the Queen, the current First Secretary of State and President of the Board of Trade, faced reporters, defiantly clutching Her Pension and Family Allowance Books, and tearfully stated "We are a Palace, we are not a mews".
The Honorable Lady Nina, Her Majesty's public relations spokeswoman, said "I understand that the family will relocate to Sighthill in Scotland. I understand that it's a grand estate".