Thursday, 29 October 2009

Sale of the Century

There was uproar in the House of Commons today as Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced the imminent sale of Buckingham Palace to the highest bidder but with massive incentives for any leading bankers who may be interested. He told a packed house "The truth of the matter is that we are completely skint, stony broke and up to our ears in massive debts. Well, of course, we are not but the country is. It makes prudent financial sense, therefore, to sell off anything and everything we can lay our hands on. Buckingham Palace is, of course, the Crown Jewels - more about them next week - of properties".

David Cameron, the Leader of the Opposition, sneeringly and snobbily referred to the situation as a mere continuation of Thatcher's "right to buy" policy and another Tory Policy borrowed, with maximum interest, by New Labour. Dennis Skinner, a Labour back-bencher asked if Prince Philip was included in the sale. An ashen-faced Brown confirmed that such would be the case, adding, "Yes, everything must go, especially ancient relics like the one my Honourable friend mentioned. I know it's a bitter pill to swallow but I've had my eye on the Palace for some time".

As the startling news spread to the other House the situation was regarded as so grave that several noble Lords woke up and were heard to be plaintively calling for their butlers for a restorative breakfast G and T. A senior Labour spokesman, Lord Foulkes, who did not wish to be named due to a shy and retiring nature, was quoted as saying "I may be interested as a second home in London would save the tax-payers the enormous sums of money which I currently claim".

Norfolk and Good, the aptly named leading Estate Agency, welcomed the news and said that there would be a great deal of interest in the property and contents. A spokes-person said "Ideally, it will be bought by someone like Mohammed Al Fayed, the newly elected Scottish President, to ensure that the Palace remains in foreign hands".

Another prospective buyer may be Richard Branston, famous for pickling leading politician and for balloon prickery. The initial intention would be to replace the current Guards with suitably uniformed virgins whose busbies would still be prominent. It is understood that Russell Brand and Calum Best have been engaged to scour the country for such rarities.

One of the main Palace attraction is, of course, the voluptuous Fergie, who was quoted as saying "Och aye the noo, ye ken, ah wiz fair scunnered when Ronaldo wiz selt, cos I kent I'd be next. Still, I've had a ball and a three-some reel at the Palace".

Her Majesty the Queen, the current First Secretary of State and President of the Board of Trade, faced reporters, defiantly clutching Her Pension and Family Allowance Books, and tearfully stated "We are a Palace, we are not a mews".

The Honorable Lady Nina, Her Majesty's public relations spokeswoman, said "I understand that the family will relocate to Sighthill in Scotland. I understand that it's a grand estate".

15 comments:

  1. Oh that was a good one Brownlie. "We are not a mews" - har har har:0)

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  2. brownlie.. Hee hee good stuff..

    Nothing wrong with sighthill, the queen would fit in well but what one? Glasgow's or Edinburgh's?

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  3. scunnert

    You had to wait through a load of nonsense to find it.

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  4. Spook,

    Nothing wrong with Sighthill that the new NewLab MP cannot fix in a few weeks or so I've heard.

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  5. scunnert

    Sorry, that should have been "wade" and not "wait" but who cares - no-one reads it anyway.

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  6. Ha ha ha...very good! Saw this by Brian Reade in the Mirror yesterday and thought of you:

    "A word of reassurance to any readers in Glasgow. If youthful zombies who are dead behind the eyes knock on your door on Saturday attempting to trick you with treats, don’t panic.

    It’s only a few kids reminding you that it’s the Eve of All Hallows. Not Young Conservatives reminding you it’s the eve of the Glasgow North East by-election."

    : )

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  7. Oh and by the way...you mentioned Mr Branson.....I assume given your postion on this blatant capitalist icon that you would be totally above accepting free first class flights around the world, should I take up gainful employment with said Knight of the Realm?!

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  8. NMEA,

    I'm not sure if I remind you of a youthful zombie or a young Conservative but I'll certainly cling onto the youthful bit. Thanks.

    Thanks for the offer but if I was interested in hot-air balloons I would go to a unionist party conference.

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  9. Excellent, can't wait for the next episode. I'm off to reinstall you on my reader because your feed isn't coming through.

    Cling onto the youthful bit?

    Auch Brownlie, you can but dream...

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  10. subrosa,

    Sorry, I've just noticed your comment. Is that "feed" the nice meal you promised me??

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  11. Kennys three months are up now we expect his resignation by the end of the day........

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  12. The hard pounding of the snp cannons fall silent the fog of battle slowly clears to reveal.
    The shining citadel of a Labour Glasgow North East glinting in the early morning sun..

    the people of Glasgow North East have spoken
    and with once voice they have cryed out......

    FREEDOM! from the snp

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  13. Mr. Mxyzptlk,

    Niko, You're welcome on the blog especially with your right-wing Tory/NewLabour proclivities.

    As for your posts, one word adequately describes them but as a wee free I can't use it!

    Chan'eil thu glic, amadain!

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  14. Hi, Adam, glad you could make it!!!!

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