Friday 17 December 2010

Pinnochio's Nose

Every day a small ant called Sophia arrives at work very early and starts work immediately. She produces a lot and she is very happy.

Her boss, Niko the lion, was surprised that she was working so hard without supervision and the thought came to him that if she could produce so much without supervision she would produce even more under expert supervision.

With that in mind, he recruited a cockroach called Iain who had extensive supervisory experience and was particularly adept at excellent report writing and was an orator of note.

The cockroach's first decision was to instigate a clocking-in system which required the employment of a team of security guards to supervise the system.

He also recruited a fly personal assistant to formulate reports and a secretary to type the reports.

The reports were so extensive that a library was set up employing a bearded tit to manage the archives and arrange the siestas. The bearded tit, having been conditioned by years working in public service, felt honour bound to employ a tea-lady called Jenny.

The lion decided, due to the increased staff, to set up a human resources centre supervised by a wily old bustard, with obviously forged university qualifications, but with a pretentious double-barreled name.

The old bustard immediate set up an IT section staffed by drones which would enable him to blame the computers if anything went wrong.

Niko was delighted with the cockroach's reports and asked him to produce graphs and spread-sheets to describe production rates and to analyse trends.

Sophia, who had once been so productive and relaxed, hated this new plethora of paper-work and endless meetings which used up most of her time......

Niko then came to the conclusion that, to further boost morale, he should employ an over-all manager and after careful consideration he employed a friend of Iain's, an ermine coated skunk whose first decision was to buy a red carpet, an ergonomic chair and a drinks cabinet, purely for entertainment, for his office.

However, after reviewing the changes and the consequent production levels from Sophia, Niko discovered that production levels were falling rapidly.

In an attempt to find the Answer he employed SM753, a prestigious and expensive consultancy noted for their ability to carry out an audit, adjust figures to suit and suggest solutions.

The seven hundred and fifty-three consultants spent three months in formulating an enormous report, in several volumes, that concluded:

"The department is over-staffed".

Niko, duty bound to justify and take note of the extremely expensive report's conclusions sacked Sophia, the ant, simply because the report showed:

"She demonstrates lack of motivation and has a negative attitude".

Wednesday 15 December 2010


It had been raining and cold for weeks in the little town. Everyone was miserable, with very little money, constantly in debt and living on credit.

A rich tourist arrives at the local hotel and asks the hotel-owner if he could inspect his bed-rooms to see if they were suitable to bring his family along at a later date.

As a sign of good faith he placed 1000 dollars on the reception desk whereupon the hotel owner hands over his master keys for all the bedrooms.

As soon as the tourist went upstairs the hotel-keeper picked up the 1000 dollars and ran to the local farmer and handed him the $1000 to repay him for keeping his hotel going by giving food supplies on credit.

The farmer immediately took the $1000 to pay his debts to his supplier at the Farmer's Co-operative.

The Farmer's Co-operative manager took the $1000 to his local publican who had given him drink on credit over the dreary winter months.

The publican handed over the $1000 to a local prostitute who was propping up the bar and had provided her "services" on credit during the recent hard-times.

The prostitute then took the $1000 to the hotel-owner who had let her use his rooms on credit to carry out her business deals.

The hotel-keeper put the $1000 back on the reception desk and the tourist came back, picked up his deposit and left.

No-one produced anything. No-one earned anything. However, the town was out of debt and looking forward to the future with a great deal more optimism.

Aren't bail-outs wonderful?

Friday 5 November 2010

Words from the wise

My rabbit is a bachelor, David aged 5.

Jesus had a cow and a donkey but I think he would rather have a hamster. Brent aged 6.

It's sad for cows because they are a sweary word. Sam aged 6.

My granny does not wear tights because once she fell over. Liz aged 5.

My next-door neighbour has a stool her feet sit on. Mary aged 5.

When old people go on holiday they sit on deck-chairs and wish that they hadn't come. Amy aged 8.

If you get old too qweekley you never grow up. Winston aged 5.

If a policeman stands in front of your car you'd better stop. David aged 6.

Mrs Thatcher should do something very rude. John aged 7.

My dad swears about Labour but I think that's aloud. Alex aged 8

My sister says she eats men alive but she's only pretending. Mandy aged 6.

My dad has found a better mummy for us than the last one. Michael aged 6.

My uncle is a riligous Maniac but I think he has another job as well. Stephen aged 6.

It's no good taking your dog to a wedding because they can't sing or dance and get bored. Martha aged 6.

My brother did not want to get married. He wanted to go to the football instead. Caroline aged 6.

My sister got her wedding dress off Hilary's mum because Hilary's mum didn't get married after all. Jenny aged 6.

If a traffic warden sees you kissing in a car you get cramped. Alice aged 6.

My dad says you must never hate anyone except traffic wardens. Andrew aged 8.

My best enemy is Mark. David aged 6.

A baby doesent know how to be norty. It has to be tort. Rosalie aged 7.

I want to dance but my feel won't let me. Sandra aged 6.

A man fell in love with my auntie on a train but she pulled the cord and he stopped. Liz aged 6.

My mummy cried on my first day at school so I had to take her home. Penny aged 5.

If you're a nurse you have to be dessicated. Sophie aged 8.

We go to a hotel in France because of the penshun. Toby aged 7.

When people start wars they never know how to stop. Alanda aged 6.

I think war is exciting on television but for real I think it is horrible. John aged 7.

My gran went to the beach but a deck-chair got her. Roddy aged 7.

People over here starve to get thin but in Africa it kills you. Kalima aged 9.

They give you a lovely party when you die. Jamie aged 6.

Our vicar tells people off on Sunday but he's nice the rest of the week. Marsha aged 6.

Why do they waste money on wine when the church roof is broken. Anthony aged 7.

Tuesday 5 October 2010

Little ears!

A guy who works away from home most of the week would drive his daughter to the seaside every Sunday morning to spend some "bonding" time with her.

One Sunday he was too ill to take her and so as not to disappoint her Mum volunteered to take her.

When they returned the Dad asked how she'd enjoyed her trip and she said "It was great and, do you know what, we did not see any wankers, blind bastards, dick-heads or tossers all day"!

Friday 24 September 2010

First Minister's Office - the end of time!

Iain: No more coffee, Jackie, you know that the caffeine in drinks drives me wild.

Jackie: Yes, I know, tiger, just one more cup - ah go on, go on, go on!

Iain: No, not just now, my back's killing me. I do wish we'd never watched that first scene in Basic Instinct. I feel as if I've been sharing a trampoline with Pavarotti. Anyway, back to business - you know I'm thinking of using Salmond as the ambassador to South Britain after his excellent performance in turning back the tide in the Maldives.

Jackie: Poor Eck, I nearly felt sorry for him when you thrashed him in the three televised Party Leader's election debates. It was a stroke of genius getting rid of Maddo, after he'd served his purpose, and appointing Conan, Sophia and Tris as your script-writers.

Iain: Yes, indeed, it was the best ninety pieces of silver I ever spent but we have to be careful to enable them to carry on under-cover in their other roles as a librarian, stair-cleaner and an unemployable layabout.

Jackie: Do we have any others under-cover?

Iain: Yeah one, not to be confused, despite rumours, with AM2, Grahamski and Lard George!

Jackie: Gotcha, the idea being to bore them into submission. Do you want the coffee now - ah go on, go on, go on?

Iain: Slow down, I'm not finished. Now that the election is over I intend to abolish Trident and it's replacement, nuclear power in Scotland, weapons of mass destruction, the Edinburgh trams, the GARL and extra police and nurses!

Jackie: I knew you'd come up with new and progressive ideas. Are you going back to Labour roots then?

Iain: Never, I've also thought up a clever and innovative scheme to get rid of the poll tax by introducing a Local Income Tax based on the ability to pay. HMRC inform me that this will be a doddle as soon as computers are invented to replace their modern present-day abacuses and fingers and toes.

Jackie: How will this affect pensioners?

Iain: As you know, Jackie, pensioners are a dying breed who tend to vote Tory or Libdem whilst they are alive, prior to becoming postal votes for us, so they will be shifted into the 50% tax bracket in line with nulabour's policy of punishing the poor.

Jackie: Excellent ideas, Bring it on!!

Iain: Och okay then, close the curtains and fire up the coffee machine!

Jackie: Fecking marvellous!

Jackie: Aaah go on, go on, go on, go on!!

Friday 10 September 2010

First Minister's Office - some time in the future!

Iain: Jackie, Jackie, come here! Where's the boy Baker with the morning rolls?

Jackie: Just coming, your eminence.

Iain: Right, Jackie, let's start as we mean to go on - come in and get on your knees.

Jackie: Oh yes!! hang on while I get the tissues. Would it be easier if I took them off?

Iain (hastily): No, no, no, that won't be necessary! I'll put my feet on the desk to make it easier for you.

Jackie: Do you want me to clean your shoes like this every morning?

Iain: Never mind that just now. Where is Lord Watson?

Jackie: He's out the back burning the postal votes - there must be millions of them - luckily he's got his own lighter.

Iain: What about Lord George?

Jackie: He's in the conference room teaching the new intake how to claim expenses and play the stringed violin.

Iain: How did he get on with his audition for Thomas the Tank Engine?

Jackie: He failed that but he tells me that he's got a very small part in Deep Throat.

Iain: Tell him he's to help Lord Maddo with the press releases but I want Lord Maddo to carry on as the senior Labour spokesperson!

Jackie: Is Maddo to remain in the basement then?

Iain: Yes, the windows have been boarded up. Incidentally have you heard anything from the new Labour Leader, Dennis Skinner? Every time I ring up to introduce myself, someone with a northern accent says "Feck off, you cretin". Has Prescott got a new job as his secretary?

Jackie: No, but it's obviously someone who knows you well. Do you want me to go down and lean on him?

Iain: No, that would be too drastic at this stage. I'll have to make up a dossier before we go that far.

Jackie: Is there anything else you want before I go?

Iain: Yes, as a matter of fact there is......

Jackie: Fecking marvellous.....

To be continued:

Friday 18 June 2010

Senior thoughts!

Growing old is compulsory. Growing up is optional.

Age does not always bring wisdom. A lot of the time ages turns up by itself.

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the birthday cake.

You know you're getting old when everything hurts - and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

Living to 100 has one advantage - no peer pressure.

Growing old is when you hear the snap, crackle and pop before you get up for breakfast.

Old age is the time of life when actions creak louder than words.

If age is all in the mind, how come it keeps creeping down into the body.

What others see as baldness, I still see as a rather wide parting.

Time may be a great healer but it's a terrible beautician.

Old age is when you know all the answers but no-one asks the questions.

Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

Retirement - twice the husband on half the income.

I get enough exercise pushing my luck and jumping to conclusions.

Regular naps really can prevent old age - especially if you take them while driving.

The only real advantage of old age it that it lets you sing while you brush your teeth.

A hair on the head is worth two on the brush.

Over the hill? What hill?

If I'd known how much fun grand-children would be, I'd have had them first.

Experience is an expensive teacher who ends up sending horrifying bills.

The main thing wrong with the younger generation is that I'm not in it.

If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.