brownlie

Pinnochio's Nose

2010-12-17T06:01:00.000-08:00

Every day a small ant called Sophia arrives at work very early and starts work immediately. She produces a lot and she is very happy.

Her boss, Niko the lion, was surprised that she was working so hard without supervision and the thought came to him that if she could produce so much without supervision she would produce even more under expert supervision.

With that in mind, he recruited a cockroach called Iain who had extensive supervisory experience and was particularly adept at excellent report writing and was an orator of note.

The cockroach's first decision was to instigate a clocking-in system which required the employment of a team of security guards to supervise the system.

He also recruited a fly personal assistant to formulate reports and a secretary to type the reports.

The reports were so extensive that a library was set up employing a bearded tit to manage the archives and arrange the siestas. The bearded tit, having been conditioned by years working in public service, felt honour bound to employ a tea-lady called Jenny.

The lion decided, due to the increased staff, to set up a human resources centre supervised by a wily old bustard, with obviously forged university qualifications, but with a pretentious double-barreled name.

The old bustard immediate set up an IT section staffed by drones which would enable him to blame the computers if anything went wrong.

Niko was delighted with the cockroach's reports and asked him to produce graphs and spread-sheets to describe production rates and to analyse trends.

Sophia, who had once been so productive and relaxed, hated this new plethora of paper-work and endless meetings which used up most of her time......

Niko then came to the conclusion that, to further boost morale, he should employ an over-all manager and after careful consideration he employed a friend of Iain's, an ermine coated skunk whose first decision was to buy a red carpet, an ergonomic chair and a drinks cabinet, purely for entertainment, for his office.

However, after reviewing the changes and the consequent production levels from Sophia, Niko discovered that production levels were falling rapidly.

In an attempt to find the Answer he employed SM753, a prestigious and expensive consultancy noted for their ability to carry out an audit, adjust figures to suit and suggest solutions.

The seven hundred and fifty-three consultants spent three months in formulating an enormous report, in several volumes, that concluded:

"The department is over-staffed".

Niko, duty bound to justify and take note of the extremely expensive report's conclusions sacked Sophia, the ant, simply because the report showed:

"She demonstrates lack of motivation and has a negative attitude".

Bail-out

2010-12-15T09:12:00.000-08:00

It had been raining and cold for weeks in the little town. Everyone was miserable, with very little money, constantly in debt and living on credit.

A rich tourist arrives at the local hotel and asks the hotel-owner if he could inspect his bed-rooms to see if they were suitable to bring his family along at a later date.

As a sign of good faith he placed 1000 dollars on the reception desk whereupon the hotel owner hands over his master keys for all the bedrooms.

As soon as the tourist went upstairs the hotel-keeper picked up the 1000 dollars and ran to the local farmer and handed him the $1000 to repay him for keeping his hotel going by giving food supplies on credit.

The farmer immediately took the $1000 to pay his debts to his supplier at the Farmer's Co-operative.

The Farmer's Co-operative manager took the $1000 to his local publican who had given him drink on credit over the dreary winter months.

The publican handed over the $1000 to a local prostitute who was propping up the bar and had provided her "services" on credit during the recent hard-times.

The prostitute then took the $1000 to the hotel-owner who had let her use his rooms on credit to carry out her business deals.

The hotel-keeper put the $1000 back on the reception desk and the tourist came back, picked up his deposit and left.

No-one produced anything. No-one earned anything. However, the town was out of debt and looking forward to the future with a great deal more optimism.

Aren't bail-outs wonderful?

Words from the wise

2010-11-05T07:17:00.000-07:00

My rabbit is a bachelor, David aged 5.

Jesus had a cow and a donkey but I think he would rather have a hamster. Brent aged 6.

It's sad for cows because they are a sweary word. Sam aged 6.

My granny does not wear tights because once she fell over. Liz aged 5.

My next-door neighbour has a stool her feet sit on. Mary aged 5.

When old people go on holiday they sit on deck-chairs and wish that they hadn't come. Amy aged 8.

If you get old too qweekley you never grow up. Winston aged 5.

If a policeman stands in front of your car you'd better stop. David aged 6.

Mrs Thatcher should do something very rude. John aged 7.

My dad swears about Labour but I think that's aloud. Alex aged 8

My sister says she eats men alive but she's only pretending. Mandy aged 6.

My dad has found a better mummy for us than the last one. Michael aged 6.

My uncle is a riligous Maniac but I think he has another job as well. Stephen aged 6.

It's no good taking your dog to a wedding because they can't sing or dance and get bored. Martha aged 6.

My brother did not want to get married. He wanted to go to the football instead. Caroline aged 6.

My sister got her wedding dress off Hilary's mum because Hilary's mum didn't get married after all. Jenny aged 6.

If a traffic warden sees you kissing in a car you get cramped. Alice aged 6.

My dad says you must never hate anyone except traffic wardens. Andrew aged 8.

My best enemy is Mark. David aged 6.

A baby doesent know how to be norty. It has to be tort. Rosalie aged 7.

I want to dance but my feel won't let me. Sandra aged 6.

A man fell in love with my auntie on a train but she pulled the cord and he stopped. Liz aged 6.

My mummy cried on my first day at school so I had to take her home. Penny aged 5.

If you're a nurse you have to be dessicated. Sophie aged 8.

We go to a hotel in France because of the penshun. Toby aged 7.

When people start wars they never know how to stop. Alanda aged 6.

I think war is exciting on television but for real I think it is horrible. John aged 7.

My gran went to the beach but a deck-chair got her. Roddy aged 7.

People over here starve to get thin but in Africa it kills you. Kalima aged 9.

They give you a lovely party when you die. Jamie aged 6.

Our vicar tells people off on Sunday but he's nice the rest of the week. Marsha aged 6.

Why do they waste money on wine when the church roof is broken. Anthony aged 7.

Little ears!

2010-10-05T12:16:00.000-07:00

A guy who works away from home most of the week would drive his daughter to the seaside every Sunday morning to spend some "bonding" time with her.

One Sunday he was too ill to take her and so as not to disappoint her Mum volunteered to take her.

When they returned the Dad asked how she'd enjoyed her trip and she said "It was great and, do you know what, we did not see any wankers, blind bastards, dick-heads or tossers all day"!

First Minister's Office - the end of time!

2010-09-24T08:32:00.000-07:00

Iain: No more coffee, Jackie, you know that the caffeine in drinks drives me wild.

Jackie: Yes, I know, tiger, just one more cup - ah go on, go on, go on!

Iain: No, not just now, my back's killing me. I do wish we'd never watched that first scene in Basic Instinct. I feel as if I've been sharing a trampoline with Pavarotti. Anyway, back to business - you know I'm thinking of using Salmond as the ambassador to South Britain after his excellent performance in turning back the tide in the Maldives.

Jackie: Poor Eck, I nearly felt sorry for him when you thrashed him in the three televised Party Leader's election debates. It was a stroke of genius getting rid of Maddo, after he'd served his purpose, and appointing Conan, Sophia and Tris as your script-writers.

Iain: Yes, indeed, it was the best ninety pieces of silver I ever spent but we have to be careful to enable them to carry on under-cover in their other roles as a librarian, stair-cleaner and an unemployable layabout.

Jackie: Do we have any others under-cover?

Iain: Yeah one, not to be confused, despite rumours, with AM2, Grahamski and Lard George!

Jackie: Gotcha, the idea being to bore them into submission. Do you want the coffee now - ah go on, go on, go on?

Iain: Slow down, I'm not finished. Now that the election is over I intend to abolish Trident and it's replacement, nuclear power in Scotland, weapons of mass destruction, the Edinburgh trams, the GARL and extra police and nurses!

Jackie: I knew you'd come up with new and progressive ideas. Are you going back to Labour roots then?

Iain: Never, I've also thought up a clever and innovative scheme to get rid of the poll tax by introducing a Local Income Tax based on the ability to pay. HMRC inform me that this will be a doddle as soon as computers are invented to replace their modern present-day abacuses and fingers and toes.

Jackie: How will this affect pensioners?

Iain: As you know, Jackie, pensioners are a dying breed who tend to vote Tory or Libdem whilst they are alive, prior to becoming postal votes for us, so they will be shifted into the 50% tax bracket in line with nulabour's policy of punishing the poor.

Jackie: Excellent ideas, Bring it on!!

Iain: Och okay then, close the curtains and fire up the coffee machine!

Jackie: Fecking marvellous!

Jackie: Aaah go on, go on, go on, go on!!

First Minister's Office - some time in the future!

2010-09-10T08:41:00.000-07:00

Iain: Jackie, Jackie, come here! Where's the boy Baker with the morning rolls?

Jackie: Just coming, your eminence.

Iain: Right, Jackie, let's start as we mean to go on - come in and get on your knees.

Jackie: Oh yes!! hang on while I get the tissues. Would it be easier if I took them off?

Iain (hastily): No, no, no, that won't be necessary! I'll put my feet on the desk to make it easier for you.

Jackie: Do you want me to clean your shoes like this every morning?

Iain: Never mind that just now. Where is Lord Watson?

Jackie: He's out the back burning the postal votes - there must be millions of them - luckily he's got his own lighter.

Iain: What about Lord George?

Jackie: He's in the conference room teaching the new intake how to claim expenses and play the stringed violin.

Iain: How did he get on with his audition for Thomas the Tank Engine?

Jackie: He failed that but he tells me that he's got a very small part in Deep Throat.

Iain: Tell him he's to help Lord Maddo with the press releases but I want Lord Maddo to carry on as the senior Labour spokesperson!

Jackie: Is Maddo to remain in the basement then?

Iain: Yes, the windows have been boarded up. Incidentally have you heard anything from the new Labour Leader, Dennis Skinner? Every time I ring up to introduce myself, someone with a northern accent says "Feck off, you cretin". Has Prescott got a new job as his secretary?

Jackie: No, but it's obviously someone who knows you well. Do you want me to go down and lean on him?

Iain: No, that would be too drastic at this stage. I'll have to make up a dossier before we go that far.

Jackie: Is there anything else you want before I go?

Iain: Yes, as a matter of fact there is......

Jackie: Fecking marvellous.....

To be continued:

Senior thoughts!

2010-06-18T09:12:00.000-07:00

Growing old is compulsory. Growing up is optional.

Age does not always bring wisdom. A lot of the time ages turns up by itself.

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the birthday cake.

You know you're getting old when everything hurts - and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

Living to 100 has one advantage - no peer pressure.

Growing old is when you hear the snap, crackle and pop before you get up for breakfast.

Old age is the time of life when actions creak louder than words.

If age is all in the mind, how come it keeps creeping down into the body.

What others see as baldness, I still see as a rather wide parting.

Time may be a great healer but it's a terrible beautician.

Old age is when you know all the answers but no-one asks the questions.

Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

Retirement - twice the husband on half the income.

I get enough exercise pushing my luck and jumping to conclusions.

Regular naps really can prevent old age - especially if you take them while driving.

The only real advantage of old age it that it lets you sing while you brush your teeth.

A hair on the head is worth two on the brush.

Over the hill? What hill?

If I'd known how much fun grand-children would be, I'd have had them first.

Experience is an expensive teacher who ends up sending horrifying bills.

The main thing wrong with the younger generation is that I'm not in it.

If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.

If you like Pina Colada.....

2010-06-07T13:01:00.000-07:00

The following appeared in the personal/singles adverts section of the London Evening Standard

Single black female:

I am a single black female looking for a "friend". I'm a very GOOD girl who LOVES to PLAY. I love long walks in secluded woods and am full of enthusiasm for ENERGETIC play-times. I like nothing better than lying in front of a cosy fire in winter evenings - you can join me if you wish. Candle-lit dinners will have me eating out of your hand. When I get to know you better I will greet you at the door when you come back from work, panting in anticipation of the night ahead and dressed as nature intended......... Call me on 02076223626 and ask for Ayesha. I'll be waiting for your call......

562 men responded to the advert!

Battersea Dogs Home were delighted!

Dissolute Honours List

2010-05-29T03:24:00.000-07:00

Well, Gordon's final fling sticks two fingers up at democracy, at tax-payers and at those who work, often unrewarded, for the benefit of humanity.

In his Dissolution Honours List it would be hard to find a more dissolute bunch who demonstrate that, in the Labour party, failure is regarded as success and has it's own reward.

It beggars belief that such as John Reid, a failure in every cabinet post but with influential friends, will be placing his ample back-side, after carefully adjusting his ample wallet, on the red leather sofa-beds in the Lords.

Some years ago, I used to travel back on the London/Glasgow sleeper on Thursday nights and many MPs, who always took Friday off to get back to work tirelessly for their constituents, used the same train but in first-class sleepers as befits their exalted station in life.

One night, a colleague and I were sitting in the bar and a balding, alcohol-flushed MP was harassing the young stewardess, complete with sexual innuendo and invitations to share a cabin. Surprisingly, none of the other MPs who were present said anything and the lady eventually said to him "Are you not frightened of AIDs when you are extending that kind of invitations to complete strangers". His answer? - "Only poofs get AIDs and I should know - I'm a doctor". Another MP, who happened to look sober, nodded sagely in agreement.

An inebriated couple at the next table, who bore a startling resemblance to George Robertson and Helen Liddell, looked, well, startled.

My colleague remarked "Thank Christ that imbecile will never be Heath Minister". Obviously, his attempts at clairvoyancy died at birth.

Strangely enough the recipients of this honour had much in common.

They voted: for the Iraq invasion; for allowing ministers to intervene in inquests; for compulsory ID cards; for Labour anti-terrorist laws; against investigation into the Iraq invasion; against laws for climate change; etc. etc. without a dissenting voice among them.

Curiously, the astute and principled Des Browne voted for a wholly elected House of Lords so presumably he will not be taking up his seat there. Most of the others, after consulting their crystal ball, or Gordon Brown, decided to ensure their lucrative seats by voting against such attempts at democracy.

Smart candidate for Labour Leadership

2010-05-22T03:55:00.000-07:00

Billy Smart, the well know circus impresario, has thrown his hat into the ring for the leadership of the Labour Party. Mr Smart, who passed away in 2005, is regarded as the most interesting and credible of the candidates. He believes he has the equipment to sweep away the bull-shit, horse-shit and elephant-shit normally associated with the Party.

He has been nominated and supported by the elephant in the room and his cabinet, along traditional lines, will consists of a few clowns with deep pockets but with a selection of red noses as opposed to red flags.

In order to adhere to equal rights there will be room in the cabinet for two thespians, "Les" Dennis and "Boy" George. The bearded lady will be appointed to the House of Lords to replace the previous devious Lady Mandy. Any resemblance to Harriet Harman is strongly denied.

He was going to employ Jackie Baillie as Health Minister and Iain Gray as Leader of the North British Branch but did not wish to look absolutely ridiculous.

Eeyore has been lined up to take over the Ministry of Offence to ensure a continuation of the Labour practice of "Lions being led by donkeys". Ainsworth will be out on his ass. One of his first decisions will be whether, by popular demand, to rename the RAF as ARF!

Mr Smart is confident that, with a supply of brown envelopes, he will receive planning permission to develop on and enlarge previous frantic Labour attempts to turn Westminster into a three-ring circus.

Lord Foulkes, who did not wish to be named due to being of a shy and retiring nature, pledged his full support on the promise of being appointed as the "big tope" of Westminster. It is considered that this will not interfere with his current role as Minister for Horizontal Highland Flinging.

Yes, First Minister

2010-03-05T12:07:00.000-08:00

Astonishing scenes at Holyrood today as the First Minister struggled to answer questions from the astutely intelligent and intuitive Leader of the Scottish Labour party.

The first question from Iain Gray got straight to the heart of the reasons why the state of the economy is much more important than an independence referendum:

Iain Gray:

"Can the First Minister of the Scottish Executive tell this Parliament why a certain Lord of this parish is paid an exorbitant salary plus expenses from here, and from elsewhere, which could be put to better use to employ 500 apprentices for non-existent jobs?"

This penetrating question flummoxed the First Minister so much that, uncharacterically, his voice rose above his normal whisper:

"Iain Gray should be aware that the noble Lord is an occasionally upstanding national treasure who single-handedly has raised politics from the gutter to the noble heights of the House of Lards.

His initiatives have raised such interest in horizontal pavement dancing with vulnerable old ladies that it will feature in the next Olympic along with window breaking by numbers.

Despite claiming around £634 for each of his 69 appearances in the House of Lords he so impressed the Metropolitan Police that they offered him free board and lodging overnight as their guest.

Iain Gray should also be aware that the good Lord was the inventor of combining nitrous oxide with Oxo cubes to make himself a laughing stock."

In a startling change of tactics Iain Gray, winkingly, blinkingly and noddingly,read carefully from his prepared notes:

"Hands up, all those in the chamber who think this Senior Labour spokesperson is a total waste of space and taxpayers' money?"

Every hand in the chamber was raised with the exception of that of a red-faced stout fellow, yclept Rufus, who was sleeping in a corner with his tongue hanging out.

Annabelle Goldie:

"First Minister, do you like my new pearl necklace and my tweed skirt? Edwina is coming up for the weekend so if you fancy a curry just come round to my bit on Saturday"

Alex Salmond:

"Tempting as the offer is, Annabelle Goldie knows full well that on Saturday I'll be going to Jeffrey Archer's party for a top secret meeting with David Cameron to discuss the running of Scotland under a joint administration under Code-word Brigadoon/Toryloon."

Tavish Scott rose to chants of "Who are ya?, who are ya?" from the Lib/Dem members.

Tavish Scott:

"First Minister, can I gaze in adoration at you for a few seconds before I ask my question.......? What role do you see for Jim Murphy in an independent Scotland?"

Alex Salmond:

"Difficult question, Annabelle, but I understand that Lord Iain Gray of the Twitches has a position under Jackie Baillie in mind for Mr Murphy".

Advice from a Glasgow Guru

2010-01-30T02:36:00.000-08:00

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just sod off and leave me alone.

The journey of a thousand miles is just bragging by the Proclaimers.

The darkest hours come just before the dawn. This is, therefore, a good time to look into your neighbour's bedroom windows.

Sex is like air. It only becomes important when you aren't getting any.

Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced you can't be promoted.

Remember, no one listens until you say something embarassing.

Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

Never test the depth of water with both feet.

If at first you don't succeed, avoid sky-diving.

Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he'll have an excuse to go golfing.

Some days we are the flies, some days we are the windscreen.

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman - neither works.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Generally speaking, you are not learning if your lips are moving.

When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry and we get smacked in the arse and it's all downhill after that.

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

Conservative Cold Front

2010-01-09T13:33:00.000-08:00

Documents released under the Freedom of Information Act by Lord F...... (a senior Labour spokesperson who, due to a shy and retiring nature, did not wish to be named) show that the current cold front is due to the prospect of a Conservative Government.

From his bar-seat in the Horse-shoe Bar, a haunt for politicians, Scotsman journalists and other incoherent and illiterate inebriates, he pointed out that the last cold spell had been during Thatcher's reign leading to less coal being mined and millions of pensioners freezing to death.

Millions more, however, were saved by the warm glow generated by Blair's sincere smile. He added "One of my constituents reported to me that he went out to the green-house this morning and found his wife frozen to the marrow".

A spokesperson for the Met Office, Sir Humprey, soon to be appointed Lord Humprey of the Quangos and Bonuses, said "Random statistics, plucked entirely out of our imagination, show this to be the case. These statistics must send a cold shiver down the spines of all Labour MPs in marginal constituencies and it is our duty to warn the public of the gloomy prospect of the Tories getting their cold clammy hands on power, nuclear or otherwise".

Leading independent newspapers such as the Sun, Telegraph and Times rubbished the claims and invited Gordon Brown to hold a cold snap election. The Scotsman, noted for its neutrality, devoted twenty-nine pages to Labour's claims and reported that polar bears were seen shivering, at the prospect of a Tory victory, whilst having a crafty cigarette outside pubs and work places.

Corrupt Government

2009-12-15T09:34:00.000-08:00

It seems now that Tony Blair has set off on to the Lucrative Lectures circuit, dropping off occasionally to ensure peace in the Middle East - a part-time job if ever there was one - a not very flattering picture of him is being revealed by the Iraq War inquiry.

Whilst this might be a tad uncomfortable for Blair, it is certainly more than a tad uncomfortable for the Iraqis who are still tasting the bitter fruits from the diseased orchards of his machinations. As well as those killed in the initial invasion men, women and children are being targetted on an almost daily basis and the country is infinitely more dangerous than it was even under Saddam's brutal regime.

Brown, the accessory to Blair's deceit over the Iraq Invasion, made a telling speech on 6th November in an attempt to justify the Afghanistan campaign.

He said that he will not put UK troops "in harms way for a government that does not stand up against corruption" but went on to say that the Afghan government is a "byword for corruption". The Afghan government, being corrupt itself, is hardly likely to "stand up against corruption" and yet the UK troops are still being put in "harms way"on a daily basis. He made no mention of the fact that the military are being put in "harms way" by being issued with inadequate protective equipment by the "desk-bound warriors".

Mr Brown went on "we will not be deterred, dissuaded or diverted from taking whatever measures are necessary to protect our security". but is the Afghan campaign really about "protecting our security"? when by Brown's own admission the government is "corrupt". Surely a corrupt government, if the price is right, will grant terrorists the requisite facilities and equipment in areas where there are no armed forces.

It is questionable if Afghanistan is the only place "where terrorists can threaten the UK". For example, although it does not always make head-lines in the UK, terrorism is alive, thriving and increasing in Iraq and they certainly have even more reason than those in Afghanistan to hate, and wish harm to, the UK.

Even if terrorists training in Afghanistan were a threat to the UK it would be comparatively easy to switch their "training camps" to other countries, out of reach of the UK military machine, where they would be welcomed with open arms - no pun intended.

Just as Iraq is getting more and more dangerous so too is Afghanistan and casualties are increasing year on year. Fatalities this years have reached 100, almost double the 51 fatalities of 2008. So too have the numbers of those seriously injured - increasing from 65 in 2008 to 153 so far in 2009.

It must follow that as more and more civilians are being killed in Iraq and Afghanistan that the resentment against the UK grows and grows and with lax and haphazard border control the UK is becoming more and more susceptible to terrorist attacks. The attempts to "protect our security", therefore, would appear to be counter-productive and could well be responsible for more threats to our security than ever before.

Sale of the Century

2009-10-29T11:09:00.002-07:00

There was uproar in the House of Commons today as Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced the imminent sale of Buckingham Palace to the highest bidder but with massive incentives for any leading bankers who may be interested. He told a packed house "The truth of the matter is that we are completely skint, stony broke and up to our ears in massive debts. Well, of course, we are not but the country is. It makes prudent financial sense, therefore, to sell off anything and everything we can lay our hands on. Buckingham Palace is, of course, the Crown Jewels - more about them next week - of properties".

David Cameron, the Leader of the Opposition, sneeringly and snobbily referred to the situation as a mere continuation of Thatcher's "right to buy" policy and another Tory Policy borrowed, with maximum interest, by New Labour. Dennis Skinner, a Labour back-bencher asked if Prince Philip was included in the sale. An ashen-faced Brown confirmed that such would be the case, adding, "Yes, everything must go, especially ancient relics like the one my Honourable friend mentioned. I know it's a bitter pill to swallow but I've had my eye on the Palace for some time".

As the startling news spread to the other House the situation was regarded as so grave that several noble Lords woke up and were heard to be plaintively calling for their butlers for a restorative breakfast G and T. A senior Labour spokesman, Lord Foulkes, who did not wish to be named due to a shy and retiring nature, was quoted as saying "I may be interested as a second home in London would save the tax-payers the enormous sums of money which I currently claim".

Norfolk and Good, the aptly named leading Estate Agency, welcomed the news and said that there would be a great deal of interest in the property and contents. A spokes-person said "Ideally, it will be bought by someone like Mohammed Al Fayed, the newly elected Scottish President, to ensure that the Palace remains in foreign hands".

Another prospective buyer may be Richard Branston, famous for pickling leading politician and for balloon prickery. The initial intention would be to replace the current Guards with suitably uniformed virgins whose busbies would still be prominent. It is understood that Russell Brand and Calum Best have been engaged to scour the country for such rarities.

One of the main Palace attraction is, of course, the voluptuous Fergie, who was quoted as saying "Och aye the noo, ye ken, ah wiz fair scunnered when Ronaldo wiz selt, cos I kent I'd be next. Still, I've had a ball and a three-some reel at the Palace".

Her Majesty the Queen, the current First Secretary of State and President of the Board of Trade, faced reporters, defiantly clutching Her Pension and Family Allowance Books, and tearfully stated "We are a Palace, we are not a mews".

The Honorable Lady Nina, Her Majesty's public relations spokeswoman, said "I understand that the family will relocate to Sighthill in Scotland. I understand that it's a grand estate".

Sale of the Centuries

2009-10-29T11:09:00.001-07:00

Sale of the Centuries

2009-10-29T11:09:00.000-07:00

The Present

2009-10-29T01:14:00.000-07:00

A young man called Calum Ian Macaulay from the village of Carloway in Lewis wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girl-friend.

They had not been seeing each other for very long and she lived some distance away.

Calum consulted his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right balance - not too romantic and not too personal.

So off he went with his sister to Murdo MacLean's shop in Stornoway and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. At the same time his sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself.

MacLeans operate a free gift-wrap policy but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Calum, unknowingly, got the knickers.

Calum duly sent off his gift-wrapped parcel with the following letter.

Dear Nina,

I chose these because I've noticed that you never wear any when we go out in the evening despite it being very cold. I could have chosen long ones with a zip fastener but I think these ones will be easier to remove.

These are a very delicate shade but the lady in the shop showed me the pair she had been wearing for ages and they were hardly soiled at all.

I had her try yours on for me and I was very impressed by how she looked in them even if they were a bit tight for her. She also said that an extra bonus is that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact, she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time and I suppose many other hands will touch them before I do but you can be sure that the first thing I'll do when I see you is to kiss them.

The lady in the shop gave me a wee tip. She said to blow into them when you take them off because they will naturally get a bit damp from wearing them.

It is up to you whether you wear them on not on our next date.

Lots of love,

Calum Ian

PS: My sister tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a bit of fur showing.

For those who care -

2009-10-06T07:19:00.000-07:00

What do you see then
what do you see
What are you thinking
when you're looking at me
A crabbit old woman
not very wise,
Uncertain of habit
with far-away eyes
who dribbles her food
and makes no reply
when you say in a loud voice
"I do wish you'd try"
Who seems not to notice
the things that you do
and forever is losing
a stocking or shoe
who, unresisting or not
lets you do as you will
with bathing and feeding
the long day to fill.

Is that what you're thinking
is that what you see
then please open your eyes
you are not looking at me.

Shall I tell you who I am
as I sit here so still
as I wake at your bidding
and eat at your will.

I'm a small child of ten
with a father and mother
brothers and sisters who
love one one another -
A young girl of sixteen
with wings on her feet
dreaming that soon now
a loved one she'll meet -
A bride soon at twenty
my heart gives a leap
Rememberinbg the vows
I promised to keep -
At twenty-five now
I have young of my own
who need me to build them
a secure happy home -
A woman of thirty
my young now grow fast
bound to each other
with ties that should last -
At forty my young ones
now grown and all gone
but my man stays beside me
to see I don't mourn -
At fifty, once more
babies play round my knee
again we know children
my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me
my husband is dead
I look at the future
it fills me with dread
for my young are all busy
with young of their own
and I think of the years
and the love that I've known.

I'm an old woman now
and nature is cruel
for her its a jest to make
old age look a fool
the body it crumbles
grace and vigour depart
it leaves an sore ache
where there once was a heart

But inside this old carcase
a young girl still dwells
and now and again
my battered heart swells
I remember the joys
I remember the pain
and I'm loving and living
life over again,
I think of the years
all too few - gone too fast
and accept the stark fact
that nothing can last.

So open your eyes, then
open and see
not a crabbit old woman
look closer - see me.

New tricks from an old dog

2009-09-10T10:12:00.000-07:00

An old dog gets lost in the jungle and is sitting under a tree trying to work out how to make his way back home when he spots a young leopard bounding towards him with hungry intent.

Thinking quickly he spots some bones on the ground nearby and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back towards the approaching ca

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old boy exclaims loudly "Goodness, that was a really delicious leopard. I wonder if there's any more around here".

On hearing this the leopard stops in mid-stride and slinks away into the trees. "God!" said the leopard to himself "That old sod nearly had me!".

Meantime, a monkey who had been watching the entire scene decides he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. Off he goes after the leopald with great speed but the old dog spots him and works out that there's treachery afoot.

The monkey catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made to look foolish by the old dog and says "Right, monkey, hop on my back while I go and sort out this conniving canine.

The old dog spots the leopard approaching with the monkey on his back and sits down with his back to them, pretending that he hasn't seen them yet and just when they get close enough to hear, he says "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

The moral of this tale ....

Age and cunning will always overcome youth and treachery.

Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Shades of Gray

2009-08-27T23:59:00.000-07:00

According to Eddie Barnes, the Political Editor of the Scotland on Sunday, Labour canvassers on the streets in Glasgow North East are "gleeful" - not to the extent of "high-fiving" but still gleeful. Why are they gleeful? Well, it seems that they have a theory that whilst Kenny MacAskill's decision to release Megrahi "will go down well in Glasgow's West End and Edinburgh's Morningside it won't get such a tolerant response in Shettleston and Wester Hailes". Sounds a tad like Mrs Thatcher's "Rejoice, Rejoice!".

With that in mind the bold Eddie pictures the scene at the door of a typical house in Glasgow N.E., when the SNP candidate introduces himself. ( Note the attempt at a Glasgow accent.)

The response - "Whit? SNP? You tell that ****in Kenny MacAskill and that ****in Alex Salmond I'd vote fae ma dug before I'd vote fae you ***tards. Letting out criminals! Have you lost your mind?".

If this article has any credence:

Labour canvassers, presumably under guidance and advice from party leaders, have a very low opinion of those they are canvassing in Glasgow North East if they are under the impression that compassion is the province of the better-off and those who are less well-off are lacking in compassion.

Co-incidentally, the Scottish Labour leader, Iain Gray states that if he were First Minister, Megrahi would not have been released.

The canvassers will be able to say to the voters of Glasgow North East "Vote for us, Iain Gray lacks compassion in the same way you do".

Iain Gray lives in a less well-off area?

Most of the rest of the Labour MSP must live in a less well-off area?

The SNP will gain seats in the West End and Morningside?

Unfortunately for the SNP, after years of Labour Governments, there are infinitely more less well-off areas than there are better-off areas.

Eddie Barnes think that being foul-mouthed and abusive is typical of house-holders in Glasgow North East?

For all these reasons, the bye-election results in Glasgow North East is a foregone conclusion.

What a wonderful world?

2009-06-17T00:15:00.000-07:00

If the population of the earth was reduced to that of a small town with 100 residents it would consist of:

57 Asians 21 Europeans 14 Americans(North and South) 8 Africans.

52 would be female and 48 male.

30 would be caucasians and 70 non caucasians

89 would be heterosexuals and 11 homosexuals

6 would own 59% of the world's wealth and they would all be from the USA.

80 would have bad living conditions

70 would be uneducated

1 would die

2 would be born

1 would have a computer

1 will have higher education.

When you look at the world from this point of view you can see there is a real need for compassion, understanding, patience and education.

This morning, if you woke up healthy, or woke up at all, then you are happier than the 1 million people who will not survive the week.

If you have never suffered a war,the horror of a prison cell, the agony of torture or hunger you are happier that 500 million people in the world.

If you can practice your religion without fear of prison or death you are happier than 3 million people in the world.

If there is food in your fridge, you have shoes and clothes, you have a bed and a roof, you are richer than 75% of the people in the world.

If you have a bank account, money in your wallet or some coins in your pocket you belong to the 8% of the people in the world who are well to do.

If you are reading this you are thrice blessed because:

you don't belong to the 200 million people that cannot read

you have access to a computer

someone thinks that you are intelligent enough and compassionate enough to do something about the situation!

Love Labour's Leaflet - Part Two

2009-05-31T01:57:00.000-07:00

In my previous entry regarding the Labour Leaflet that popped through my letter box I made reference to the statement made by a "Bishopbriggs family" who stated that:

"Gordon Brown's has demonstrated real leadership in seeing us through these tough times. Labour is the only party on the side of hard-working families, standing up for Scottish people nationally and in Europe".

In a startling coincidence families as far apart as Port Seton, Wester Ross, Sauchie and Manchester are portrayed on Labour's election leaflets as having all made statements which are exactly the same. Their statements, from different parts of Scotland and the UK, reads

"It's Gordon Brown's leadership that will get us through these tough times. Labour is the only party on the side of hard-working families, standing up for Scottish people nationally and in Europe".

Two questions:

Why has the wording suddenly changed from having seen "us" through these "tough times" to "will get us through" these "tough times"?

Is it more than a coincidence that those who vote Labour use exactly the same wording to voice their thoughts about the party except the family from Manchester who substituted Britain for Scotland?

A political journalist, with considerable foresight and a degree of cynicism, told me in 1998 that the Labour party voters consisted of two factions.

One faction, the poor and needy, THOUGHT that Labour was their party i.e. a party of the people dedicated to address their needs.

The other faction, the rich and greedy, KNEW that Labour was their party i.e. a party for the rich, willing and able to address their greed.

Blogger's Log

2009-05-25T09:07:00.000-07:00

As instructed by subrosa, a list of my favourite bloggers, in order of seniority:

Conan:
For reminding me that there are tears of laughter as well as tears of sorrow.

Scunnert:
For being the nation's conscience, as well as mine.

subrosa
For brilliant blogging and stories of steamy sessions in the sitooterie.

Advanced media watch
For encouraging my blogging, making me laugh and being a mate and a Hibee.

Niko,
For hilarious blogging and converting me to nationalism.

Bird of Prey
For revealing Spooky's guilty secrets and for some memorable stomping raps.

Munquin
For bringing sense and sensibility to this motley crew, or in Conan's case, cru.

David Maddox, the Steamie
For belatedly realising that I'm not an anonymous cybernat.

Thank you all for being, unwittingly and in different ways, my bridge over troubled waters.

BBQ RULES OK!

2009-05-25T04:18:00.000-07:00

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime cooking activity.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put in motion.

Routine:

1. The woman buys the food.

2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill with beer in hand.

4. The woman remains outside the obligatory, criticism free, three metres male only zone, where bonding activities can take place without female interference.

NOW, HERE COMES THE IMPORTANT PART:

5. The man places the meat on the grill.

More routine:

6. The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

7. This is optional. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she can bring another beer. The beer part is not optional.

IMPORTANT AGAIN:

8. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

More routine:

9. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauce and brings them to the table.

IMPORTANT AGAIN:

The man has another beer.

More routine:

10. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

IMPORTANT AGAIN:

11. Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his superb cooking skills.

12. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her "night off cooking", and, upon seeing her reaction, concludes that there's no pleasing some women.

13. After a few more beers, he, foolishly perhaps, thinks this could be a good time to ask about the possibility of a nice meal.

Love Labour's Leaflet

2009-05-22T07:41:00.000-07:00

A "delivery-man" has just dropped a leaflet through my letter-box. What ever happened to activists on the door-step?

The leaflet would be a very convincing read if one was living in a news vacuum and had no idea of what is happening in the United Kingdom at present. A few extracts and what they really mean.

Gordon Brown has demonstrated real leadership in seeing us through tough times.

Really excellent and stunning news that the tough times are over thanks to Gordon Brown's leadership.

Labour is working hard for Scottish people nationally and in Europe, to ensure no one is left behind.

Apart from those who lost their jobs, the poor, the homeless and the deprived. On the brighter side Gordon, Alastair, Eric Joyce, Michael Martin et al have certainly not been left behind.

Labour is the only party on the side of hard working families.

Apart from those who lost their jobs, the poor, the homeless and the deprived. On the brighter side many families have obtained lucrative employment as assistants, researchers, cleaners etc etc to Labour politicians.

The global financial crisis shows us that Scotland is stronger together. Separate from the rest of the UK we would be weaker.

Our prudent management of the economy has meant we've abolished boom and bust and this has made Scotland stronger. Whilst most people take the opposite view and we have no figures to back this up you'll just have to take our word for it.

Labour is doing everything we can to save jobs, keep businesses afloat and get Scotland back on track.

We have no evidence to back this up and, to be truthful we failed to save jobs, failed to keep businesses afloat and we've failed to keep Scotland on track.

We saved Scotland's banks - not to help failed bankers, but to save jobs, mortgages, homes and savings.

By "saving Scotland's banks" we have not saved jobs, mortgages, homes and savings. On the bright side we have saved "failed bankers" who have been amply rewarded for failure with lucratives pay-offs and pensions.

Now more than ever people must play by the rules. But the SNP are changing the law to end short prison sentences, even for violent crimes - so criminals will escape jail.

Our promise to be tough on crime and tough on the causes of crime made only a short twelve years ago has been so successful that criminality is, ahem, almost non-existence. The legacy of over-crowded and dilapidated prisons we left to the SNP Government has left them looking not just at addressing the prison shortages but also to address the causes of crimes such as, for example, large and organised fraud.

By abolishing ASBOs in all but name, they, the SNP, are telling communities 'you're on your own'.

Apart from the obvious un-truth that ASBOs have been abolished the SNP are telling communities "you're on the own" by putting an extra thousand police on the streets.

To makes goods cheaper in shops we cut VAT, saving families on average £275 off household bills.

To the average family this works out at around £1 per head per week which is just about enough to feed the fish in the moat. The families will be so grateful for this that they will ignore the massive debts incurred by Labour which their children and their children's children will be paying back throughout their life-time.

In stark contrast to Gordon Brown's commitment to Scotland, we remember the damage the last Tory Government did.

You'll have to take our word, despite any evidence to the contrary, about Gordon Brown's commitment to Scotland. We considered the damage caused by the last Tory government so extensive that as soon as we got into Government we followed, and exacerbated, the same damaging policies.

Children talk about love

2009-04-01T10:34:00.000-07:00

Love is what makes you smile even when you're tired.
Terry - age 4

Love is when you kiss all the time and when you get tired of kissing you still want to be together and talk.
Emily - age 8

Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on after-shave and they go out and smell each other.
Karl - age 5

Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.
Chrissie - age 6

When my grand-mother got arthritis, she couldn't bend down to paint her toe-nails anymore so my grand-father does it for her, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.
Rebecca - age 8

When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.
Karen - age 7

You really shouldn't say "I love you" unless you mean it. But if you do mean it you should say it a lot. People forget.
Jessica - age 8

I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out to buy new ones.
Lauren - age 7

Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you've left him alone all day.
Mary Ann - age 4

Love is when Mummy sees Daddy smelly and dirty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt.
Chris - age 7

Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.
Jimmy - age 7

and my own personal favourites:

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.
Billy - age 4

Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.
Bobby - age 7

If you want to learn to love, you should start with a friend who you hate.
Nicky - age 6

We could do with a few more Nickys on this planet.

Politicians never lie!

2009-03-27T09:42:00.000-07:00

Politicians have a talent for telling the truth that makes it unnecessary for them to fabricate anything.

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in California discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse-stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. On the back of a picture Judy obtained during her research is the inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about his great-great uncle.

Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.

In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.

It is rumoured that New Labour politicians have enrolled in classes held by Harry Reid's staff.

This can't be true, can it?

2009-03-03T03:41:00.000-08:00

The man had only a few yards to walk, from where he had been dropped off, to his hotel in Bagdad. Even so, after a few weeks in Iraq, he walked warily, cautiously on the look-out for an ever present threat and keeping a prudent watch for suspect vehicles. In actual fact, he considered that in present day Bagdad all vehicles, whether occupied or not, had to be regarded as potential threats.

As he walked he reflected on the differences between the Bagdad of ten years previously and the present. No longer were the streets thronged with vibrantly dressed individuals, chatting in groups or window-shopping. Instead these same streets were now drab, devoid of colour and almost deserted. The few people on the street scurried along obviously in a hurry to reach the comparative safety of their homes.

A blinding flash later the man found himself collapsed against a wall - with no clear comprehension of what had happened. With an overwhelming sense of unreality he looked around at a scene of incredible devastation.

An immense lethargy was spreading thoughout his body but, in the absence of any obvious wounds or fractures, he could not work out why this should be the case. When he put his hand on the ground in an effort to ease himself up he touched something warm.

To his absolute horror, he found that he was looking at a child's hand with a tiny copper bracelet round the wrist and nothing beyond that. In a curiously detached fashion he noticed the tiny bitten finger-nails and, pathetically, a tiny remnant of a blood-red nail polish. He wanted to look away but kept on staring in morbid fascination. He did not realise that he was crying until the tears stained and soaked his shirt. He was still crying when he drifted off into merciful oblivion ...

Three months later the man was able to return home. As he was eased out of a car outside his house his seven year old daughter rushed out to greet him. Being aware of his disability she reached out with her tiny hand to help him. He found himself crying again ...

Tha Gaidhlig agad - siuthad lorg i!

2009-02-26T03:45:00.000-08:00

Gaelic - it's in the blood!

The Gaelic language was once spoken across much of Scotland - Alba. Shakespeare's MacBeth would have plotted murder in Gaelic and Robert the Bruce would have rallied the Gaelic-speaking clans to his banner through his mother's native tongue.

The history of Gaelic and its speakers, the Gaels, since their arrival from Ireland before the 6th Century, is one of rapid increase and success followed by gradual decrease and decline.

Gaelic began to lose ground in the early Middle Ages as the Scots language took hold in South-East Scotland but the Scots language was, at one time, so rare in places like Glasgow that, for instance, Scotstoun in Glasgow is so called because they spoke Scots in that area.

After the Jacobite rebellion steps were taken to eradicate Gaelic in an attempt to crush the rebellious clans and the use of Gaelic was harshly discouraged and this got so engrained in the educational system that until very recently children were disciplined for speaking Gaelic in school.

Gaelic books, including Bibles, were destroyed and the scarcity of Bibles has led to the present day tradition of a "precentor" singing Psalms line by line and the congregation repeating his words.

Remarkably, after years of neglect and repression Gaelic is still spoken by around 65,000 people in Scotland. It is strongest in the Western Isles but there are substantial Gaelic communities elsewhere and in the nation's cities. There remains a strong and increasing Gaelic awareness in Canada and New Zealand in particular.

Gaelic is currently enjoying a revival in its fortunes with more interests being shown in the language and this is illustrated by the fact that Gaelic Medium schools and Gaelic play-groups are over-subscribed. The advent of a Gaelic TV channel, although attracting criticism in some quarters, can only help to bring more attention to the language.

At the same time there has been a healthy and growing interest in Gaelic music and arts and events like Celtic Connections and Trans-Atlantic Sessions help to bring the language to a larger audience.

Gaelic has been spoken in Scotland for more than sixty generations and the current generations of Gaels are united in their resolve that Gaelic remains a vital and vibrant language.

The heading to this postings means you have Gaelic within your soul and in your blood - look for it and you will find it!

Forgotten Children

2009-02-22T04:12:00.000-08:00

It is now over 200 years since the Slave Trade Act was passed and at the time the Act was hailed as a great victory for humanity over cruelty and inhumanity.

However, an equally significant initiative is required to ensure humane treatment for the millions of children currently held as slaves, forced to work long hours for little, or no pay, hope or comfort and left vulnerable to extreme hardship, violence and sexual exploitation.

It is estimated that, world-wide, 218 million children, between the ages of 5 and 16, are employed, in one way or another, in child labour. Of that total, around 126 million are involved in hazardous work.

Around 9 million children are believed to work under conditions akin to slave labour.

They are being robbed of their childhood by being the victimes of trafficking where children are either sold or lent by their parents to, or are abducted by, criminal elements.

Around 1.2 million children are trafficked each year. This number is increasing year by year. It is estimated that the criminals involved in this "low-risk, high profit" activity pocket profits of around £30 billion per annum...

Children and babies are trafficked for many reasons. They are sold to be used for domestic work, hazardous child labour, begging and other illegal activities such as stealing or for adoption or early forced marriage.

Trafficked children are also sold into sexual exploitation to adults who repeatedly rape and abuse them or rent them out to paedophiles for further abuse. In sex tourism, abusers deliberately pick holiday destinations where they know they can pay to have easy access to children for sexual intercourse.

If the children don't co-operate they are brutally assaulted and are at constant risk of contacting sexually transmitted infections, including HIV and AIDs.
In bonded child labour a child has to work off a debt incurred by parents or extended families and they are unable to stop working until the debt is cleared. Throughout the world, people work to pay off their debts but in some countries paying off debt is a life-time committment not far removed from slavery.

World wide, it is illegal to recruit and use children as combatants or in any other roles in military conflict but it is estimated that almost half a million children under the age of 15 are associated with fighting forces. They are used to kill, lay mines, act as spies or simply as "cannon fodder".

Agencies who wish to address the issues of abused and exploited children realise that the problem is so vast and deep-seated and the criminal rewards engendered by the exploitation so enormous that it would take a massive co-ordinated effort to even begin to tackle the problem.

We hear, constantly, these days about global initiatives to tackle the present economic situation but we hear very little about attempts to tackle this problem which is an clear and present affront to human dignity and rights.

It appear to be a problem that is best ignored and recognition of the efforts of the agencies involved will, occasionally, briefly surface only to quickly be submerged as soon as a footballer's wife buys a new dress - a source of constant fascination to the news media.

When sickening descriptions of children being killed by those who are supposed to care for them are high-lighted it, naturally, causes great outrage and those in authority give instant assurances that steps will be taken to ensure that, in future, vulnerable children will be adequately protected.

Whilst cruelty to children, is a world-wide problem, what are those in authority in Britain doing about the estimated 5,000 children, 75% of them girls, who are currently being used for prostitution in this country? Each and every one of them is at risk of being the next child tragedy.

The Iolaire Tragedy

2009-02-15T11:12:00.000-08:00

On a cliff across the bay around two miles from Stornoway in the Western Isles stands a simple and poignant memorial. The memorial was erected by islanders in remembrance of one of the most appalling and heart-rending tragedies in peace-time maritime history.

Just below this cliff, jagged reefs, aptly called the Beasts of Holm, peer, with malice, out of the sea a few feet from the shore.

On the 31st January, 1919, the armistice having been signed months earlier, servicemen who had been fighting the "war to end wars" were looking forward to returning to their loved ones in Lewis, and to a lesser extent, to the neighbouring island of Harris.

As more and more servicemen gathered in Kyle of Lochalsh to be ferried across to Lewis their relief at having survived a brutal war was palpable and heartfelt.

The all-encompassing mood was joyful and celebratory as they greeted old friends and acquaintances. They were understandably excited as they anticipated being reunited with their families who had spent years hoping and praying for their safe return.

On Stornoway, itself, the mood was equally bouyant and joyous as the approaching new year was being greeted in the usual fashion but this year was to be greeted with added exhileration and relief at the prospect of welcoming loved ones who many had thought they would never see again.

Amid this gaiety no one could have anticipated that before the night was over that their lives would be devastated and that grief and despair would, from that night on, be their constant and bleak companions.

The yacht "Iolaire" had been commissioned to supplement the usual ferry in view of the vast number of servicemen who were returning to their homes. Although the "Iolaire" was inadequately equipped with life-saving equipment it was decided to ignore safety rules in order to take as many as possible on board. The speed with which the tragedy took place would have rendered this equipment useless in any event.

The approach to Stornoway harbour is quite problematic but there must have been many on board who were familiar with the entrance. A local fishing boat was following the yacht into the harbour and the crew were horrified to note that the yacht, instead of approaching the entrance, was heading at full speed towards nearby cliffs. With no way of contacting the yacht they watched powerless as the tragedy unfolded.

With the bright lights of the town in full sight the ship hit the reefs at full power and immediately tilted on its side, throwing passengers overboard and being swamped with huge waves. Lifeboats were launched but immediately floundered in enormous seas and all aboard were drowned. Although the shore was a mere twenty feet away attempts to swim ashore were mainly in vain.

On passenger, John Finlay Macleod, heroically, managed to swim to shore with a rope round his waist and managed to aid 25 of his comrades to the shore. Another survivor, Donald "Patch" Morrison, clung to the top of the mast all night until being rescued in the morning light.

As the news of the tragedy spread the celebrations in the town turned to despair and mourning and the streets were packed with anxious relatives and friends, powerless to do anything other than pray.

By morning light searchers were greeted with the intensely moving nd poignant sight of the drowned being washed ashore along with toys, dolls and presents intended for loved ones.

All morning, villagers from all round the island, tear-stained and grief-torn, came to the shore to identify, in the most harrowing of circumstances, those who were laid out in a make-shift mortuary.

There were hardly any families on the island who were not affected, one way or another, by the loss of the 205 lives on that dreadful night and those who lived through the experience would ever be the same again.

On these bleak and barren reefs, winter winds still blow, completely uninterested in their effects on human life and waves, all powerful and uncaring, still relentessly wait to pounce, with callous indifference, on unsuspecting victims.

In their vicinity, it is not difficult to imagine that the restless ghosts of those young heroes and those who mourn for them still roam and will forever more.

How incongruous and paradoxical that the cruel hand of fate won such a grotesque victory where the guns of war had failed.