tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-63174927432128112462024-02-08T06:08:09.014-08:00brownliebrownliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690872114535168567noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6317492743212811246.post-12429227527557039952010-12-17T06:01:00.000-08:002010-12-17T08:36:59.903-08:00Pinnochio's Nose<strong><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;">Every day a small ant called Sophia arrives at work very early and starts work immediately. She produces a lot and she is very happy.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">Her boss, Niko the lion, was surprised that she was working so hard without supervision and the thought came to him that if she could produce so much without supervision she would produce even more under expert supervision.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">With that in mind, he recruited a cockroach called Iain who had extensive supervisory experience and was particularly adept at excellent report writing and was an orator of note.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">The cockroach's first decision was to instigate a clocking-in system which required the employment of a team of security guards to supervise the system.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">He also recruited a fly personal assistant to formulate reports and a secretary to type the reports.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">The reports were so extensive that a library was set up employing a bearded tit to manage the archives and arrange the siestas. The bearded tit, having been conditioned by years working in public service, felt honour bound to employ a tea-lady called Jenny. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">The lion decided, due to the increased staff, to set up a human resources centre supervised by a wily old bustard, with obviously forged university qualifications, but with a pretentious double-barreled name. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">The old bustard immediate set up an IT section staffed by drones which would enable him to blame the computers if anything went wrong.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">Niko was delighted with the cockroach's reports and asked him to produce graphs and spread-sheets to describe production rates and to analyse trends.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">Sophia, who had once been so productive and relaxed, hated this new plethora of paper-work and endless meetings which used up most of her time......</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">Niko then came to the conclusion that, to further boost morale, he should employ an over-all manager and after careful consideration he employed a friend of Iain's, an ermine coated skunk whose first decision was to buy a red carpet, an ergonomic chair and a drinks cabinet, purely for entertainment, for his office.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">However, after reviewing the changes and the consequent production levels from Sophia, Niko discovered that production levels were falling rapidly.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">In an attempt to find the Answer he employed SM753, a prestigious and expensive consultancy noted for their ability to carry out an audit, adjust figures to suit and suggest solutions.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">The seven hundred and fifty-three consultants spent three months in formulating an enormous report, in several volumes, that concluded:</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong>"The department is over-staffed".</strong></span><br /><span style="color:#009900;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"><strong>Niko, duty bound to justify and take note of the extremely expensive report's conclusions sacked Sophia, the ant, simply because the report showed:<br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">"She demonstrates lack of motivation and has a negative attitude".</span></strong></span><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#006600;"></span></strong>brownliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690872114535168567noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6317492743212811246.post-13384713472376733502010-12-15T09:12:00.000-08:002010-12-15T09:31:44.397-08:00Bail-out<strong><span style="color:#000099;">It had been raining and cold for weeks in the little town. Everyone was miserable, with very little money, constantly in debt and living on credit.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">A rich tourist arrives at the local hotel and asks the hotel-owner if he could inspect his bed-rooms to see if they were suitable to bring his family along at a later date.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">As a sign of good faith he placed 1000 dollars on the reception desk whereupon the hotel owner hands over his master keys for all the bedrooms.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">As soon as the tourist went upstairs the hotel-keeper picked up the 1000 dollars and ran to the local farmer and handed him the $1000 to repay him for keeping his hotel going by giving food supplies on credit.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">The farmer immediately took the $1000 to pay his debts to his supplier at the Farmer's Co-operative.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">The Farmer's Co-operative manager took the $1000 to his local publican who had given him drink on credit over the dreary winter months.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">The publican handed over the $1000 to a local prostitute who was propping up the bar and had provided her "services" on credit during the recent hard-times.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">The prostitute then took the $1000 to the hotel-owner who had let her use his rooms on credit to carry out her business deals.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">The hotel-keeper put the $1000 back on the reception desk and the tourist came back, picked up his deposit and left.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">No-one produced anything. No-one earned anything. However, the town was out of debt and looking forward to the future with a great deal more optimism.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">Aren't bail-outs wonderful?</span></strong>brownliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690872114535168567noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6317492743212811246.post-44656522521387782262010-11-05T07:17:00.000-07:002010-11-05T08:53:03.104-07:00Words from the wise<span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">My rabbit is a bachelor, David aged 5.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">Jesus had a cow and a donkey but I think he would rather have a hamster. Brent aged 6.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">It's sad for cows because they are a sweary word. Sam aged 6.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">My granny does not wear tights because once she fell over. Liz aged 5.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">My next-door neighbour has a stool her feet sit on. Mary aged 5.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">When old people go on holiday they sit on deck-chairs and wish that they hadn't come. Amy aged 8.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">If you get old too qweekley you never grow up. Winston aged 5.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">If a policeman stands in front of your car you'd better stop. David aged 6.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">Mrs Thatcher should do something very rude. John aged 7.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">My dad swears about Labour but I think that's aloud. Alex aged 8<br /></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">My sister says she eats men alive but she's only pretending. Mandy aged 6.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">My dad has found a better mummy for us than the last one. Michael aged 6.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">My uncle is a riligous Maniac but I think he has another job as well. Stephen aged 6.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">It's no good taking your dog to a wedding because they can't sing or dance and get bored. Martha aged 6.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">My brother did not want to get married. He wanted to go to the football instead. Caroline aged 6.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">My sister got her wedding dress off Hilary's mum because Hilary's mum didn't get married after all. Jenny aged 6.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">If a traffic warden sees you kissing in a car you get cramped. Alice aged 6.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">My dad says you must never hate anyone except traffic wardens. Andrew aged 8.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">My best enemy is Mark. David aged 6.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">A baby doesent know how to be norty. It has to be tort. Rosalie aged 7.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">I want to dance but my feel won't let me. Sandra aged 6.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">A man fell in love with my auntie on a train but she pulled the cord and he stopped. Liz aged 6.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">My mummy cried on my first day at school so I had to take her home. Penny aged 5.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">If you're a nurse you have to be dessicated. Sophie aged 8.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">We go to a hotel in France because of the penshun. Toby aged 7.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">When people start wars they never know how to stop. Alanda aged 6.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">I think war is exciting on television but for real I think it is horrible. John aged 7.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">My gran went to the beach but a deck-chair got her. Roddy aged 7.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">People over here starve to get thin but in Africa it kills you. Kalima aged 9.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">They give you a lovely party when you die. Jamie aged 6.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">Our vicar tells people off on Sunday but he's nice the rest of the week. Marsha aged 6.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#006600;">Why do they waste money on wine when the church roof is broken. Anthony aged 7.</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#cc0000;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;color:#cc0000;"></span>brownliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690872114535168567noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6317492743212811246.post-460907779353105282010-10-05T12:16:00.000-07:002010-10-05T12:25:11.023-07:00Little ears!<strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#330000;">A guy who works away from home most of the week would drive his daughter to the seaside every Sunday morning to spend some "bonding" time with her.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#330000;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#330000;">One Sunday he was too ill to take her and so as not to disappoint her Mum volunteered to take her.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#330000;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#330000;">When they returned the Dad asked how she'd enjoyed her trip and she said "It was great and, do you know what, we did not see any wankers, blind bastards, dick-heads or tossers all day"!</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#330000;"></span></strong><br /><span style="color:#330000;"></span>brownliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690872114535168567noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6317492743212811246.post-12215296024740192002010-09-24T08:32:00.000-07:002010-09-24T09:25:30.778-07:00First Minister's Office - the end of time!<span style="font-family:courier new;color:#ff0000;"><strong><span style="color:#009900;">Iain</span>: No more coffee, Jackie, you know that the caffeine in drinks drives me wild.</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong></strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong><span style="color:#006600;">Jackie</span>: Yes, I know, tiger, just one more cup - ah go on, go on, go on!</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong></strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong><span style="color:#009900;">Iain</span>: No, not just now, my back's killing me. I do wish we'd never watched that first scene in Basic Instinct. I feel as if I've been sharing a trampoline with Pavarotti. Anyway, back to business - you know I'm thinking of using Salmond as the ambassador to South Britain after his excellent performance in turning back the tide in the Maldives.</strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong><span style="color:#006600;">Jackie</span>: Poor Eck, I nearly felt sorry for him when you thrashed him in the three televised Party Leader's election debates. It was a stroke of genius getting rid of Maddo, after he'd served his purpose, and appointing Conan, Sophia and Tris as your script-writers.</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong></strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong><span style="color:#009900;">Iain</span>: Yes, indeed, it was the best ninety pieces of silver I ever spent but we have to be careful to enable them to carry on under-cover in their other roles as a librarian, stair-cleaner and an unemployable layabout.</strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong><span style="color:#009900;">Jackie</span>: Do we have any others under-cover?</strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong><span style="color:#006600;">Iain</span>: Yeah one, not to be confused, despite rumours, with AM2, Grahamski and Lard George!</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong></strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong><span style="color:#009900;">Jackie</span>: Gotcha, the idea being to bore them into submission. Do you want the coffee now - ah go on, go on, go on?</strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong><span style="color:#009900;">Iain</span>: Slow down, I'm not finished. Now that the election is over I intend to abolish Trident and it's replacement, nuclear power in Scotland, weapons of mass destruction, the Edinburgh trams, the GARL and extra police and nurses!</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong></strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong><span style="color:#009900;">Jackie</span>: I knew you'd come up with new and progressive ideas. Are you going back to Labour roots then?</strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong><span style="color:#009900;">Iain</span>: Never, I've also thought up a clever and innovative scheme to get rid of the poll tax by introducing a Local Income Tax based on the ability to pay. HMRC inform me that this will be a doddle as soon as computers are invented to replace their modern present-day abacuses and fingers and toes.</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong></strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong><span style="color:#009900;">Jackie</span>: How will this affect pensioners?<br /><br /><span style="color:#009900;">Iain</span>: As you know, Jackie, pensioners are a dying breed who tend to vote Tory or Libdem whilst they are alive, prior to becoming postal votes for us, so they will be shifted into the 50% tax bracket in line with nulabour's policy of punishing the poor.</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong><span style="color:#009900;">Jackie</span>: Excellent ideas, Bring it on!!</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong><span style="color:#009900;">Iain</span>: Och okay then, close the curtains and fire up the coffee machine!</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong><span style="color:#009900;">Jackie</span>: Fecking marvellous!</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"><strong><span style="color:#009900;">Jackie</span>:</strong> <span style="color:#6600cc;">Aaah go on, go on, go on, go on!!</span></span><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#ff0000;"></span>brownliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690872114535168567noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6317492743212811246.post-12399028572490034772010-09-10T08:41:00.000-07:002010-09-10T09:25:04.799-07:00First Minister's Office - some time in the future!<strong><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#660000;"><span style="color:#006600;">Iain</span><em>: Jackie, Jackie, come here! Where's the boy Baker with the morning rolls?</em></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"><span style="color:#006600;">Jackie</span><em>: Just coming, your eminence.</em></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"><span style="color:#006600;">Iain</span><em>: Right, Jackie, let's start as we mean to go on - come in and get on your knees.</em></span></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"></span></em></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"><span style="color:#006600;">Jackie</span><em>: Oh yes!! hang on while I get the tissues. Would it be easier if I took them off?</em></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"><span style="color:#006600;">Iain </span><em>(hastily): No, no, no, that won't be necessary! I'll put my feet on the desk to make it easier for you.</em></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"><span style="color:#006600;">Jackie</span><em><span style="color:#006600;">:</span> Do you want me to clean your shoes like this every morning?</em></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"><span style="color:#006600;">Iain</span><em>: Never mind that just now. Where is Lord Watson?</em></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"><span style="color:#009900;">Jackie</span><em>: He's out the back burning the postal votes - there must be millions of them - luckily he's got his own lighter.</em></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"><span style="color:#009900;">Iain</span><em>: What about Lord George?</em></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"><span style="color:#006600;">Jackie</span><em>: He's in the conference room teaching the new intake how to claim expenses and play the stringed violin.</em></span></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"><span style="color:#006600;">Iain</span><em>: How did he get on with his audition for Thomas the Tank Engine?</em></span></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"><span style="color:#006600;">Jackie</span><em>: He failed that but he tells me that he's got a very small part in Deep Throat.</em></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"><span style="color:#006600;">Iain</span><em>: Tell him he's to help Lord Maddo with the press releases but I want Lord Maddo to carry on as the senior Labour spokesperson!</em></span></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"></span></em></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"><span style="color:#006600;">Jackie</span><em>: Is Maddo to remain in the basement then?</em></span></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"></span></em></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"><span style="color:#006600;">Iain</span><em>: Yes, the windows have been boarded up. Incidentally have you heard anything from the new Labour Leader, Dennis Skinner? Every time I ring up to introduce myself, someone with a northern accent says "Feck off, you cretin". Has Prescott got a new job as his secretary?</em></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"><span style="color:#006600;">Jackie</span><em>: No, but it's obviously someone who knows you well. Do you want me to go down and lean on him?</em></span></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"><span style="color:#006600;">Iain</span><em>: No, that would be too drastic at this stage. I'll have to make up a dossier before we go that far.</em></span></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"><span style="color:#006600;">Jackie</span><em>: Is there anything else you want before I go?</em></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"><span style="color:#006600;">Iain</span><em>: Yes, as a matter of fact there is......</em></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"><span style="color:#006600;">Jackie</span><em>: Fecking marvellous.....</em></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"></span></em></strong><br /><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"></span></em></strong><br /><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#993399;">To be continued</span>:</span></em></strong><br /><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"></span></em></strong><br /><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"></span></em></strong>brownliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690872114535168567noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6317492743212811246.post-13715123075366944372010-06-18T09:12:00.000-07:002010-06-18T09:30:02.151-07:00Senior thoughts!<span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em>Growing old is compulsory. Growing up is optional.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em>Age does not always bring wisdom. A lot of the time ages turns up by itself.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em>You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the birthday cake.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em>You know you're getting old when everything hurts - and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em>Living to 100 has one advantage - no peer pressure.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em>Growing old is when you hear the snap, crackle and pop before you get up for breakfast.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em>Old age is the time of life when actions creak louder than words.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em>If age is all in the mind, how come it keeps creeping down into the body.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em>What others see as baldness, I still see as a rather wide parting.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em>Time may be a great healer but it's a terrible beautician.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em>Old age is when you know all the answers but no-one asks the questions.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em>Age is a high price to pay for maturity.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em>Retirement - twice the husband on half the income.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em>I get enough exercise pushing my luck and jumping to conclusions.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em>Regular naps really can prevent old age - especially if you take them while driving.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em>The only real advantage of old age it that it lets you sing while you brush your teeth.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em>A hair on the head is worth two on the brush.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em>Over the hill? What hill?</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em>If I'd known how much fun grand-children would be, I'd have had them first.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em>Experience is an expensive teacher who ends up sending horrifying bills.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em>The main thing wrong with the younger generation is that I'm not in it.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><em>If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.</em></span>brownliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690872114535168567noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6317492743212811246.post-90010282240314012412010-06-07T13:01:00.000-07:002010-06-10T12:06:15.038-07:00If you like Pina Colada.....<span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em>The following appeared in the personal/singles adverts section of the London Evening Standard</em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em>Single black female:</em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em>I am a single black female looking for a "friend". I'm a very GOOD girl who LOVES to PLAY. I love long walks in secluded woods and am full of enthusiasm for ENERGETIC play-times. I like nothing better than lying in front of a cosy fire in winter evenings - you can join me if you wish. Candle-lit dinners will have me eating out of your hand. When I get to know you better I will greet you at the door when you come back from work, panting in anticipation of the night ahead and dressed as nature intended......... Call me on 02076223626 and ask for Ayesha. I'll be waiting for your call......</em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;"><strong><span style="color:#000099;"><em> </em>562 men responded to the advert!</span></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"></span></em></strong><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;"><strong><span style="color:#000099;">Battersea Dogs Home were delighted</span>!</strong></span>brownliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690872114535168567noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6317492743212811246.post-65709580786125787082010-05-29T03:24:00.000-07:002010-05-30T02:17:02.034-07:00Dissolute Honours List<span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000066;"><strong>Well, Gordon's final fling sticks two fingers up at democracy, at tax-payers and at those who work, often unrewarded, for the benefit of humanity.</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000066;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000066;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="color:#000066;"><strong><span style="font-family:courier new;">In his Dissolution Honours List it would be hard to find a more dissolute bunch who demonstrate that, in the Labour party, failure is regarded as success and has it's own reward. </span></strong><br /></span><span style="color:#000066;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000066;"><strong>It beggars belief that such as John Reid, a failure in every cabinet post but with influential friends, will be placing his ample back-side, after carefully adjusting his ample wallet, on the red leather sofa-beds in the Lords.<br /></strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000066;"><strong>Some years ago, I used to travel back on the London/Glasgow sleeper on Thursday nights and many MPs, who always took Friday off to get back to work tirelessly for their constituents, used the same train but in first-class sleepers as befits their exalted station in life.</strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000066;"><strong>One night, a colleague and I were sitting in the bar and a balding, alcohol-flushed MP was harassing the young stewardess, complete with sexual innuendo and invitations to share a cabin. Surprisingly, none of the other MPs who were present said anything and the lady eventually said to him "Are you not frightened of AIDs when you are extending that kind of invitations to complete strangers". His answer? - "Only poofs get AIDs and I should know - I'm a doctor". Another MP, who happened to look sober, nodded sagely in agreement.<br /></strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000066;"><strong>An inebriated couple at the next table, who bore a startling resemblance to George Robertson and Helen Liddell, looked, well, startled.<br /></strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000066;"><strong>My colleague remarked "Thank Christ that imbecile will never be Heath Minister". Obviously, his attempts at clairvoyancy died at birth.</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000066;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000066;"><strong>Strangely enough the recipients of this honour had much in common.</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000066;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000066;"><strong>They voted: for the Iraq invasion; for allowing ministers to intervene in inquests; for compulsory ID cards; for Labour anti-terrorist laws; against investigation into the Iraq invasion; against laws for climate change; etc. etc. without a dissenting voice among them.</strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000066;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000066;"><strong>Curiously, the astute and principled Des Browne voted for a wholly elected House of Lords so presumably he will not be taking up his seat there. Most of the others, after consulting their crystal ball, or Gordon Brown, decided to ensure their lucrative seats by voting against such attempts at democracy.</strong></span>brownliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690872114535168567noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6317492743212811246.post-11634427812728796992010-05-22T03:55:00.000-07:002010-05-23T03:27:07.093-07:00Smart candidate for Labour Leadership<span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong>Billy Smart, the well know circus impresario, has thrown his hat into the ring for the leadership of the Labour Party. Mr Smart, who passed away in 2005, is regarded as the most interesting and credible of the candidates. He believes he has the equipment to sweep away the bull-shit, horse-shit and elephant-shit normally associated with the Party.</strong></span><br /><br /><p><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong>He has been nominated and supported by the elephant in the room and his cabinet, along traditional lines, will consists of a few clowns with deep pockets but with a selection of red noses as opposed to red flags.</strong></span></p><br /><span style="color:#000099;"><span style="font-family:courier new;"><strong>In order to adhere to equal rights there will be room in the cabinet for two thespians, "Les" Dennis and "Boy" George. The bearded lady will be appointed to the House of Lords to replace the previous devious Lady Mandy. Any resemblance to Harriet Harman is strongly denied.</strong></span></span><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">He was going to employ Jackie Baillie as Health Minister and Iain Gray as Leader of the North British Branch but did not wish to look absolutely ridiculous.</span></strong><br /><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong></strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong>Eeyore has been lined up to take over the Ministry of Offence to ensure a continuation of the Labour practice of "Lions being led by donkeys". Ainsworth will be out on his ass. One of his first decisions will be whether, by popular demand, to rename the RAF as ARF!</strong></span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong></strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong>Mr Smart is confident that, with a supply of brown envelopes, he will receive planning permission to develop on and enlarge previous frantic Labour attempts to turn Westminster into a three-ring circus.<br /></strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"><strong>Lord Foulkes, who did not wish to be named due to being of a shy and retiring nature, pledged his full support on the promise of being appointed as the "big tope" of Westminster. It is considered that this will not interfere with his current role as Minister for Horizontal Highland Flinging.</strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"><strong></strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"><strong></strong></span>brownliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690872114535168567noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6317492743212811246.post-3409392719721832642010-03-05T12:07:00.000-08:002010-03-06T12:49:51.432-08:00Yes, First Minister<strong><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;">Astonishing scenes at Holyrood today as the First Minister struggled to answer questions from the astutely intelligent and intuitive Leader of the Scottish Labour party. </span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;">The first question from Iain Gray got straight to the heart of the reasons why the state of the economy is much more important than an independence referendum:</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;">Iain Gray:</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;">"Can the First Minister of the Scottish Executive tell this Parliament why a certain Lord of this parish is paid an exorbitant salary plus expenses from here, and from elsewhere, which could be put to better use to employ 500 apprentices for non-existent jobs?" </span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">This penetrating question flummoxed the First Minister so much that, uncharacterically, his voice rose above his normal whisper:</span></strong><br /><br /><p><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">"Iain Gray should be aware that the noble Lord is an occasionally upstanding national treasure who single-handedly has raised politics from the gutter to the noble heights of the House of Lards. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">His initiatives have raised such interest in horizontal pavement dancing with vulnerable old ladies that it will feature in the next Olympic along with window breaking by numbers.</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">Despite claiming around £634 for each of his 69 appearances in the House of Lords he so impressed the Metropolitan Police that they offered him free board and lodging overnight as their guest. </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">Iain Gray should also be aware that the good Lord was the inventor of combining nitrous oxide with Oxo cubes to make himself a laughing stock."</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">In a startling change of tactics Iain Gray, winkingly, blinkingly and noddingly,read carefully from his prepared notes:</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">"Hands up, all those in the chamber who think this Senior Labour spokesperson is a total waste of space and taxpayers' money?"</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">Every hand in the chamber was raised with the exception of that of a red-faced stout fellow, yclept Rufus, who was sleeping in a corner with his tongue hanging out.</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">Annabelle Goldie:</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">"First Minister, do you like my new pearl necklace and my tweed skirt? Edwina is coming up for the weekend so if you fancy a curry just come round to my bit on Saturday"</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">Alex Salmond:</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">"Tempting as the offer is, Annabelle Goldie knows full well that on Saturday I'll be going to Jeffrey Archer's party for a top secret meeting with David Cameron to discuss the running of Scotland under a joint administration under Code-word Brigadoon/Toryloon."</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">Tavish Scott rose to chants of "Who are ya?, who are ya?" from the Lib/Dem members.</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">Tavish Scott:</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">"First Minister, can I gaze in adoration at you for a few seconds before I ask my question.......? What role do you see for Jim Murphy in an independent Scotland?"</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">Alex Salmond:</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">"Difficult question, Annabelle, but I understand that Lord Iain Gray of the Twitches has a position under Jackie Baillie in mind for Mr Murphy".</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"></span></strong> </p><p><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"></span></strong> </p><p><br /></p><p><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"></span></strong></p>brownliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690872114535168567noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6317492743212811246.post-4487866103085291142010-01-30T02:36:00.000-08:002010-01-30T04:07:23.348-08:00Advice from a Glasgow Guru<strong><span style="color:#006600;">Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just sod off and leave me alone.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;">The journey of a thousand miles is just bragging by the Proclaimers.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;">The darkest hours come just before the dawn. This is, therefore, a good time to look into your neighbour's bedroom windows.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;">Sex is like air. It only becomes important when you aren't getting any.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;">Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced you can't be promoted.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;">Remember, no one listens until you say something embarassing.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;">Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;">Never test the depth of water with both feet.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;">If at first you don't succeed, avoid sky-diving.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;">Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;">Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he'll have an excuse to go golfing.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;">Some days we are the flies, some days we are the windscreen.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;">Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;">A closed mouth gathers no feet.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;">There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman - neither works.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;">Never miss a good chance to shut up.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;">Generally speaking, you are not learning if your lips are moving.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;">When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry and we get smacked in the arse and it's all downhill after that.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#006600;">The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.</span></strong>brownliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690872114535168567noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6317492743212811246.post-35682504621719492612010-01-09T13:33:00.000-08:002010-01-11T02:18:57.814-08:00Conservative Cold Front<strong><em><span style="color:#000099;">Documents released under the Freedom of Information Act by Lord F...... (a senior Labour spokesperson who, due to a shy and retiring nature, did not wish to be named) show that the current cold front is due to the prospect of a Conservative Government. </span></em></strong><br /><br /><strong><em><span style="color:#000099;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="color:#000099;">From his bar-seat in the Horse-shoe Bar, a haunt for politicians, Scotsman journalists and other incoherent and illiterate inebriates, he pointed out that the last cold spell had been during Thatcher's reign leading to less coal being mined and millions of pensioners freezing to death. </span></em></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="color:#000099;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="color:#000099;">Millions more, however, were saved by the warm glow generated by Blair's sincere smile. He added "One of my constituents reported to me that he went out to the green-house this morning and found his wife frozen to the marrow".</span></em></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="color:#000099;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="color:#000099;">A spokesperson for the Met Office, Sir Humprey, soon to be appointed Lord Humprey of the Quangos and Bonuses, said "Random statistics, plucked entirely out of our imagination, show this to be the case. These statistics must send a cold shiver down the spines of all Labour MPs in marginal constituencies and it is our duty to warn the public of the gloomy prospect of the Tories getting their cold clammy hands on power, nuclear or otherwise".</span></em></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="color:#000099;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="color:#000099;">Leading independent newspapers such as the Sun, Telegraph and Times rubbished the claims and invited Gordon Brown to hold a cold snap election. The Scotsman, noted for its neutrality, devoted twenty-nine pages to Labour's claims and reported that polar bears were seen shivering, at the prospect of a Tory victory, whilst having a crafty cigarette outside pubs and work places.</span></em></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="color:#000099;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="color:#000099;"></span></em></strong>brownliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690872114535168567noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6317492743212811246.post-74719199563162672182009-12-15T09:34:00.000-08:002009-12-16T02:09:38.880-08:00Corrupt Government<span style="color:#000099;"><strong><em>It seems now that Tony Blair has set off on to the Lucrative Lectures circuit, dropping off occasionally to ensure peace in the Middle East - a part-time job if ever there was one - a not very flattering picture of him is being revealed by the Iraq War inquiry.</em></strong><br /></span><br /><br /><strong><em><span style="color:#000099;">Whilst this might be a tad uncomfortable for Blair, it is certainly more than a tad uncomfortable for the Iraqis who are still tasting the bitter fruits from the diseased orchards of his machinations. As well as those killed in the initial invasion men, women and children are being targetted on an almost daily basis and the country is infinitely more dangerous than it was even under Saddam's brutal regime.</span></em></strong><br /><br /><p><strong><em><span style="color:#000099;">Brown, the accessory to Blair's deceit over the Iraq Invasion, made a telling speech on 6th November in an attempt to justify the Afghanistan campaign.</span></em></strong></p><p><strong><em><span style="color:#000099;">He said that he will not put UK troops "in harms way for a government that does not stand up against corruption" but went on to say that the Afghan government is a "byword for corruption". The Afghan government, being corrupt itself, is hardly likely to "stand up against corruption" and yet the UK troops are still being put in "harms way"on a daily basis. He made no mention of the fact that the military are being put in "harms way" by being issued with inadequate protective equipment by the "desk-bound warriors".</span></em></strong></p><p><strong><em><span style="color:#000099;">Mr Brown went on "we will not be deterred, dissuaded or diverted from taking whatever measures are necessary to protect our security". but is the Afghan campaign really about "protecting our security"? when by Brown's own admission the government is "corrupt". Surely a corrupt government, if the price is right, will grant terrorists the requisite facilities and equipment in areas where there are no armed forces.</span></em></strong></p><p><strong><em><span style="color:#000099;">It is questionable if Afghanistan is the only place "where terrorists can threaten the UK". For example, although it does not always make head-lines in the UK, terrorism is alive, thriving and increasing in Iraq and they certainly have even more reason than those in Afghanistan to hate, and wish harm to, the UK.</span></em></strong></p><p><strong><em><span style="color:#000099;">Even if terrorists training in Afghanistan were a threat to the UK it would be comparatively easy to switch their "training camps" to other countries, out of reach of the UK military machine, where they would be welcomed with open arms - no pun intended.</span></em></strong></p><p><strong><em><span style="color:#000099;">Just as Iraq is getting more and more dangerous so too is Afghanistan and casualties are increasing year on year. Fatalities this years have reached 100, almost double the 51 fatalities of 2008. So too have the numbers of those seriously injured - increasing from 65 in 2008 to 153 so far in 2009.</span></em></strong></p><p><strong><em><span style="color:#000099;">It must follow that as more and more civilians are being killed in Iraq and Afghanistan that the resentment against the UK grows and grows and with lax and haphazard border control the UK is becoming more and more susceptible to terrorist attacks. The attempts to "protect our security", therefore, would appear to be counter-productive and could well be responsible for more threats to our security than ever before.</span></em></strong></p><p><span style="color:#000099;"><br /></span></p><strong><em><span style="color:#000099;"></span></em></strong><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><strong><em><span style="color:#990000;"></span></em></strong>brownliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690872114535168567noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6317492743212811246.post-72331493179599716742009-10-29T11:09:00.002-07:002009-10-29T11:46:46.264-07:00Sale of the Century<strong><span style="color:#000099;">There was uproar in the House of Commons today as Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced the imminent sale of Buckingham Palace to the highest bidder but with massive incentives for any leading bankers who may be interested. He told a packed house "The truth of the matter is that we are completely skint, stony broke and up to our ears in massive debts. Well, of course, we are not but the country is. It makes prudent financial sense, therefore, to sell off anything and everything we can lay our hands on. Buckingham Palace is, of course, the Crown Jewels - more about them next week - of properties".</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">David Cameron, the Leader of the Opposition, sneeringly and snobbily referred to the situation as a mere continuation of Thatcher's "right to buy" policy and another Tory Policy borrowed, with maximum interest, by New Labour. Dennis Skinner, a Labour back-bencher asked if Prince Philip was included in the sale. An ashen-faced Brown confirmed that such would be the case, adding, "Yes, everything must go, especially ancient relics like the one my Honourable friend mentioned. I know it's a bitter pill to swallow but I've had my eye on the Palace for some time".</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">As the startling news spread to the other House the situation was regarded as so grave that several noble Lords woke up and were heard to be plaintively calling for their butlers for a restorative breakfast G and T. A senior Labour spokesman, Lord Foulkes, who did not wish to be named due to a shy and retiring nature, was quoted as saying "I may be interested as a second home in London would save the tax-payers the enormous sums of money which I currently claim".</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">Norfolk and Good, the aptly named leading Estate Agency, welcomed the news and said that there would be a great deal of interest in the property and contents. A spokes-person said "Ideally, it will be bought by someone like Mohammed Al Fayed, the newly elected Scottish President, to ensure that the Palace remains in foreign hands".</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">Another prospective buyer may be Richard Branston, famous for pickling leading politician and for balloon prickery. The initial intention would be to replace the current Guards with suitably uniformed virgins whose busbies would still be prominent. It is understood that Russell Brand and Calum Best have been engaged to scour the country for such rarities.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">One of the main Palace attraction is, of course, the voluptuous Fergie, who was quoted as saying "Och aye the noo, ye ken, ah wiz fair scunnered when Ronaldo wiz selt, cos I kent I'd be next. Still, I've had a ball and a three-some reel at the Palace".</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">Her Majesty the Queen, the current First Secretary of State and President of the Board of Trade, faced reporters, defiantly clutching Her Pension and Family Allowance Books, and tearfully stated "We are a Palace, we are not a mews".</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#000099;">The Honorable Lady Nina, Her Majesty's public relations spokeswoman, said "I understand that the family will relocate to Sighthill in Scotland. I understand that it's a grand estate".</span></strong>brownliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690872114535168567noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6317492743212811246.post-41368321310771638042009-10-29T11:09:00.001-07:002009-10-29T11:10:37.890-07:00Sale of the Centuriesbrownliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690872114535168567noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6317492743212811246.post-47094618457417672302009-10-29T11:09:00.000-07:002009-10-29T11:10:37.679-07:00Sale of the Centuriesbrownliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690872114535168567noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6317492743212811246.post-79943423974129903152009-10-29T01:14:00.000-07:002009-10-29T02:42:35.988-07:00The Present<strong><span style="font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;color:#003300;">A young man called Calum Ian Macaulay from the village of Carloway in Lewis wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girl-friend.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;">They had not been seeing each other for very long and she lived some distance away.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;">Calum consulted his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right balance - not too romantic and not too personal.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;">So off he went with his sister to Murdo MacLean's shop in Stornoway and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. At the same time his sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;">MacLeans operate a free gift-wrap policy but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Calum, unknowingly, got the knickers.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;">Calum duly sent off his gift-wrapped parcel with the following letter.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;">Dear Nina,</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;">I chose these because I've noticed that you never wear any when we go out in the evening despite it being very cold. I could have chosen long ones with a zip fastener but I think these ones will be easier to remove.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;">These are a very delicate shade but the lady in the shop showed me the pair she had been wearing for ages and they were hardly soiled at all.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;">I had her try yours on for me and I was very impressed by how she looked in them even if they were a bit tight for her. She also said that an extra bonus is that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact, she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;">I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time and I suppose many other hands will touch them before I do but you can be sure that the first thing I'll do when I see you is to kiss them.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;">The lady in the shop gave me a wee tip. She said to blow into them when you take them off because they will naturally get a bit damp from wearing them.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;">It is up to you whether you wear them on not on our next date.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;">Lots of love,</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;">Calum Ian</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;">PS: My sister tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a bit of fur showing.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;font-size:130%;color:#003300;"></span></strong>brownliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690872114535168567noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6317492743212811246.post-17653815299170398302009-10-06T07:19:00.000-07:002009-10-06T07:52:17.137-07:00For those who care -<span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>What do you see then</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>what do you see</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>What are you thinking</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>when you're looking at me</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>A crabbit old woman</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>not very wise,</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>Uncertain of habit</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>with far-away eyes</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>who dribbles her food</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>and makes no reply</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>when you say in a loud voice</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>"I do wish you'd try"</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>Who seems not to notice </strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>the things that you do</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>and forever is losing </strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>a stocking or shoe</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>who, unresisting or not</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>lets you do as you will</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>with bathing and feeding</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>the long day to fill.</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong></strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>Is that what you're thinking</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>is that what you see</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>then please open your eyes</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>you are not looking at me.</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong></strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>Shall I tell you who I am</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>as I sit here so still</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>as I wake at your bidding</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>and eat at your will.</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong></strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>I'm a small child of ten</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>with a father and mother</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>brothers and sisters who </strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>love one one another -</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>A young girl of sixteen</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>with wings on her feet</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>dreaming that soon now</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>a loved one she'll meet -</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>A bride soon at twenty</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>my heart gives a leap</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>Rememberinbg the vows</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>I promised to keep -</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>At twenty-five now</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>I have young of my own</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>who need me to build them</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>a secure happy home -</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>A woman of thirty</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>my young now grow fast</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>bound to each other</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>with ties that should last -</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>At forty my young ones</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>now grown and all gone</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>but my man stays beside me</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>to see I don't mourn -</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>At fifty, once more</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>babies play round my knee</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>again we know children</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>my loved one and me.</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong></strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>Dark days are upon me</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>my husband is dead</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>I look at the future</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>it fills me with dread</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>for my young are all busy</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>with young of their own</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>and I think of the years </strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>and the love that I've known.</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong></strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>I'm an old woman now</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>and nature is cruel</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>for her its a jest to make</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>old age look a fool</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>the body it crumbles</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>grace and vigour depart</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>it leaves an sore ache</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>where there once was a heart</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong></strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>But inside this old carcase</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>a young girl still dwells</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>and now and again</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>my battered heart swells</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>I remember the joys</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>I remember the pain</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>and I'm loving and living</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>life over again,</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>I think of the years</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>all too few - gone too fast</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>and accept the stark fact</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>that nothing can last.</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong></strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>So open your eyes, then</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>open and see</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>not a crabbit old woman</strong></em></span><br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#660000;"><em><strong>look closer - see me.</strong></em></span>brownliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690872114535168567noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6317492743212811246.post-57605711702834277112009-09-10T10:12:00.000-07:002009-09-10T10:38:13.446-07:00New tricks from an old dog<span style="color:#ff0000;">An old dog gets lost in the jungle and is sitting under a tree trying to work out how to make his way back home when he spots a young leopard bounding towards him with hungry intent.<br /><br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Thinking quickly he spots some bones on the ground nearby and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back towards the approaching ca<br /></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old boy exclaims loudly "Goodness, that was a really delicious leopard. I wonder if there's any more around here".</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">On hearing this the leopard stops in mid-stride and slinks away into the trees. "God!" said the leopard to himself "That old sod nearly had me!".</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Meantime, a monkey who had been watching the entire scene decides he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. Off he goes after the leopald with great speed but the old dog spots him and works out that there's treachery afoot.</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">The monkey catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal with the leopard.</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">The young leopard is furious at being made to look foolish by the old dog and says "Right, monkey, hop on my back while I go and sort out this conniving canine.</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">The old dog spots the leopard approaching with the monkey on his back and sits down with his back to them, pretending that he hasn't seen them yet and just when they get close enough to hear, he says "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">The moral of this tale ....</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Age and cunning will always overcome youth and treachery.</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;"></span><br /><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.</span>brownliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690872114535168567noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6317492743212811246.post-1930199200805168972009-08-27T23:59:00.000-07:002009-08-28T05:15:28.146-07:00Shades of Gray<strong><span style="font-family:lucida grande;color:#cc0000;">According to Eddie Barnes, the Political Editor of the Scotland on Sunday, Labour canvassers on the streets in Glasgow North East are "gleeful" - not to the extent of "high-fiving" but still gleeful. Why are they gleeful? Well, it seems that they have a theory that whilst Kenny MacAskill's decision to release Megrahi "will go down well in Glasgow's West End and Edinburgh's Morningside it won't get such a tolerant response in Shettleston and Wester Hailes". Sounds a tad like Mrs Thatcher's "Rejoice, Rejoice!".</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc0000;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc0000;">With that in mind the bold Eddie pictures the scene at the door of a typical house in Glasgow N.E., when the SNP candidate introduces himself. ( Note the attempt at a Glasgow accent.)</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc0000;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc0000;">The response - "Whit? SNP? You tell that ****in Kenny MacAskill and that ****in Alex Salmond I'd vote fae ma dug before I'd vote fae you ***tards. Letting out criminals! Have you lost your mind?".</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc0000;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc0000;">If this article has any credence:</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc0000;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc0000;">Labour canvassers, presumably under guidance and advice from party leaders, have a very low opinion of those they are canvassing in Glasgow North East if they are </span></strong><strong><span style="color:#cc0000;">under the impression that compassion is the province of the better-off and those who are less well-off are lacking in compassion.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc0000;">Co-incidentally, the Scottish Labour leader, Iain Gray states that if he were First Minister, Megrahi would not have been released.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc0000;">The canvassers will be able to say to the voters of Glasgow North East "Vote for us, Iain Gray lacks compassion in the same way you do".</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc0000;">Iain Gray lives in a less well-off area?</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc0000;">Most of the rest of the Labour MSP must live in a less well-off area?</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc0000;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc0000;">The SNP will gain seats in the West End and Morningside?</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc0000;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc0000;">Unfortunately for the SNP, after years of Labour Governments, there are infinitely more less well-off areas than there are better-off areas.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc0000;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc0000;">Eddie Barnes think that being foul-mouthed and abusive is typical of house-holders in Glasgow North East?</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc0000;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc0000;">For all these reasons, the bye-election results in Glasgow North East is a foregone conclusion.</span></strong><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc0000;"></span></strong><br /><br /><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc0000;"></span></strong><br /><br /><br /><br /><strong><span style="color:#cc0000;"></span></strong>brownliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690872114535168567noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6317492743212811246.post-42130923100058094862009-06-17T00:15:00.000-07:002009-06-17T02:19:23.607-07:00What a wonderful world?<strong><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#990000;">If the population of the earth was reduced to that of a small town with 100 residents it would consist of:</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">57 Asians 21 Europeans 14 Americans(North and South) 8 Africans.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">52 would be female and 48 male.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">30 would be caucasians and 70 non caucasians</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">89 would be heterosexuals and 11 homosexuals</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">6 would own 59% of the world's wealth and they would all be from the USA.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">80 would have bad living conditions</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">70 would be uneducated</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">1 would die</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">2 would be born</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">1 would have a computer</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">1 will have higher education.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">When you look at the world from this point of view you can see there is a real need for compassion, understanding, patience and education.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">This morning, if you woke up healthy, or woke up at all, then you are happier than the 1 million people who will not survive the week.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">If you have never suffered a war,</span></strong><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">the horror of a prison cell, the agony of torture or hunger you are happier that 500 million people in the world.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">If you can practice your religion without fear of prison or death you are happier than 3 million people in the world.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">If there is food in your fridge, you have shoes and clothes, you have a bed and a roof, you are richer than 75% of the people in the world.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">If you have a bank account, money in your wallet or some coins in your pocket you belong to the 8% of the people in the world who are well to do.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">If you are reading this you are thrice blessed because:</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">you don't belong to the 200 million people that cannot read</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">you have access to a computer</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">someone thinks that you are intelligent enough and compassionate enough to do something about the situation!</span></strong>brownliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690872114535168567noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6317492743212811246.post-61270597540550708792009-05-31T01:57:00.000-07:002009-05-31T02:30:36.196-07:00Love Labour's Leaflet - Part Two<strong><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;">In my previous entry regarding the Labour Leaflet that popped through my letter box I made reference to the statement made by a "Bishopbriggs family" who stated that: </span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#000099;">"Gordon Brown's has demonstrated real leadership in seeing us through these tough times. Labour is the only party on the side of hard-working families, standing up for Scottish people nationally and in Europe".</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">In a startling coincidence families as far apart as Port Seton, Wester Ross, Sauchie and Manchester are portrayed on Labour's election leaflets as having all made statements which are exactly the same. Their statements, from different parts of Scotland and the UK, reads </span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">"It's Gordon Brown's leadership that will get us through these tough times. Labour is the only party on the side of hard-working families, standing up for Scottish people nationally and in Europe".</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">Two questions:</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">Why has the wording suddenly changed from having seen "us" through these "tough times" to "will get us through" these "tough times"?</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">Is it more than a coincidence that those who vote Labour use exactly the same wording to voice their thoughts about the party except the family from Manchester who substituted Britain for Scotland?</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">A political journalist, with considerable foresight and a degree of cynicism, told me in 1998 that the Labour party voters consisted of two factions. </span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">One faction, the poor and needy, THOUGHT that Labour was their party i.e. a party of the people dedicated to address their needs.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#000099;">The other faction, the rich and greedy, KNEW that Labour was their party i.e. a party for the rich, willing and able to address their greed.</span></strong>brownliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690872114535168567noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6317492743212811246.post-72418683706943568732009-05-25T09:07:00.000-07:002009-05-25T09:25:41.330-07:00Blogger's Log<strong><span style="font-family:arial;color:#009900;">As instructed by subrosa, a list of my favourite bloggers, in order of seniority:</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#009900;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#993399;">Conan:</span></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#cc6600;">For reminding me that there are tears of laughter as well as tears of sorrow.</span></em></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#cc6600;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#993399;">Scunnert:</span></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#cc6600;">For being the nation's conscience, as well as mine.</span></em></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#cc6600;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#993399;">subrosa</span></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#cc6600;">For brilliant blogging and stories of steamy sessions in the sitooterie.</span></em></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#cc6600;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#993399;">Advanced media watch</span></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#cc6600;">For encouraging my blogging, making me laugh and being a mate and a Hibee.</span></em></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#cc6600;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#993399;">Niko,</span></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#cc6600;">For hilarious blogging and converting me to nationalism.</span></em></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#cc6600;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#993399;">Bird of Prey</span></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#cc6600;">For revealing Spooky's guilty secrets and for some memorable stomping raps.</span></em></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#cc6600;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#663366;">Munquin</span></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#cc6600;">For bringing sense and sensibility to this motley crew, or in Conan's case, cru.</span></em></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#cc6600;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#663366;">David Maddox, the Steamie</span></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#cc6600;">For belatedly realising that I'm not an anonymous cybernat.</span></em></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#cc6600;"></span></em></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#009900;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Arial;color:#009900;">Thank you all for being, unwittingly and in different ways, my bridge over troubled waters.</span></strong>brownliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690872114535168567noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6317492743212811246.post-48765236040883135932009-05-25T04:18:00.000-07:002009-05-25T04:54:52.617-07:00BBQ RULES OK!<strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;">We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime cooking activity.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;">When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put in motion.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#660000;"></span></strong><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#006600;"><em><strong>Routine:</strong></em></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#333300;"><em></em></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#006600;"><em><strong>1. The woman buys the food.</strong></em></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#006600;"><em><strong></strong></em></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#006600;"><em><strong>2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes dessert.</strong></em></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#006600;"><em><strong></strong></em></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#006600;"><em><strong>3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill with beer in hand.</strong></em></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#006600;"><em><strong></strong></em></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#006600;"><em><strong>4. The woman remains outside the obligatory, criticism free, three metres male only zone, where bonding activities can take place without female interference.</strong></em></span><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#006600;"><em></em></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">NOW, HERE COMES THE IMPORTANT PART:</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">5. The man places the meat on the grill.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#006600;"><em>More routine:</em></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#006600;"><em></em></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#006600;"><em>6. The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.</em></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#006600;"><em></em></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#006600;"><em><span style="color:#006600;">7. This is optional. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she can bring another beer. The beer part is not optional</span></em>.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#006600;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">IMPORTANT AGAIN:</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">8. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;"></span></strong><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#006600;"><strong><em>More routine:</em></strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#006600;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#006600;"><strong><em>9. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauce and brings them to the table.</em></strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#006600;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">IMPORTANT AGAIN:</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">The man has another beer.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;"></span></strong><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#006600;"><strong><em>More routine:</em></strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#006600;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#006600;"><strong><em>10. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.</em></strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#006600;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">IMPORTANT AGAIN:</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">11. Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his superb cooking skills.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">12. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her "night off cooking", and, upon seeing her reaction, concludes that there's no pleasing some women.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Courier New;color:#990000;">13. After a few more beers, he, foolishly perhaps, thinks this could be a good time to ask about the possibility of a nice meal.</span></strong>brownliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09690872114535168567noreply@blogger.com6